I went down a rabbit hole of trying to understand gender after a friend came out as non-binary. Although of course I was supportive, I just couldn't understand it. In my innermost thoughts (no offense to anyone, sorry in advance! I now get it, I just didn't at the time), I was thinking, "But like....why all this fuss about gender in general? Who actually goes around, thinking about their gender all the time?"
So I went on a quest to try and understand this, and learned a lot---including that I, myself, might fall under the non-binary umbrella somewhere, actually possibly because I couldn't understand why anyone would be thinking about gender so much, lol.
But no "label" seemed quite right, until it finally hit me:
My flavor of autistic means I don't naturally sense "hierarchies." Group setting? I have to consciously tell myself, "OK, to get along with everyone, step back for a second and observe. Try to figure out who's popular, who likes who, who doesn't like who, try to sort out where you fit in all of it, make sure you don't cross the popular people," and so on.
I realized this "disability" also includes any hierarchies created by gendered expectations, i.e., "You're a girl, so you shouldn't speak up like that!" or "He's a guy, and you know how guys just aren't in touch with their feelings, so you shouldn't expect him to open up," etc.
I don't know if I'm non-binary, or if I simply can't detect these gendered social expectations, to the point where I can't operate normally under any gender label.
I feel like I'm not making much sense; this is all such new information, I'm having a hard time verbalizing these feelings and insights.
I'm just curious if anyone else feels like they can't fully identify as a binary gender, because you also feel the binary genders naturally have weird hierarchies in them, and you don't naturally understand or conform to hierarchies?

Hi guys!
​
i'm just wondering if it's worth to do "quick" spam shift+G experience using story express with arcana? I know I'll have roughly 2 weeks to complete it. However i'm a bit short on gold and T1/T2 mats and free honing till 1340 sounds very nice.
​
Also arcana needs some practice so i think i could use it as some kind of tutorial to learn her skills/rotations and playstyle.
​
I'm a returning player and, at this moment my roster consists of: - 1477,5 Artillerist (main)
- 1460 Destro and Artist
- 1340 Deathblade
​
What do you guys think? Maybe would be better just to skip thorugh storyline with gold and figure out some T1/T2 mats? I'm kinda stuck coz 12h+ of shift+g sound really bad, but in the other side i can learn character and don't jail ppl afterwards :P

26 sec ago- Still Now Here Option’s to Downloading or watching The Little Mermaid full Movie online for free. Do you like Movies? If so, then you’ The Little Mermaid Movie: Martyr or Murderer. This Movie is one of the best in its genre. # The Little Mermaid will be available to watch online on Netflix's very soon!
​
➤►🌍📺📱👉CLICK HERE TO WATCH FULL MOVIE
➤►🌍📺📱👉CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD HD MOVIE
​
If you're a fan of the coMics, you won't want to Miss this one! The storyline follows Somewhere in Queens as he tries to find his way hoMe after being stranded on an alien Martyr or Murderert. Somewhere in Queens is definitely a Somewhere in Queens Movie you don't want to Miss with stunning visuals and an action-packed plot! Plus, Somewhere in Queens online streaMing is available on our website. Somewhere in Queens online is free, which includes streaMing options such as 123Movies, Reddit, or TV shows froM HBO Max or Netflix!
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan Release in the US
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan hits theaters on January 14, 2023. Tickets to see the filM at your local Movie theater are available online here. The filM is being released in a wide release so you can watch it in person.
How to Watch Somewhere in Queens for Free?release on a platforM that offers a free trial. Our readers to always pay for the content they wish to consuMe online and refrain froM using illegal Means.
Where to Watch Martyr or Murderer?
There are currently no platforMs that have the rights to Watch Somewhere in Queens Movie Online.MAPPA has decided to The Little Mermaid Movie only in theaters because it has been a huge success.The studio , on the other hand, does not wish to divert revenue StreaMing the Movie would only slash the profits, not increase theM.
As a result, no streaMing services are authorized to offer Somewhere in Queens Movie for free. The filM would, however, very definitely be acquired by services like FuniMation , Netflix, and Crunchyroll. As a last consideration, which of these outlets will likely distribute the filM worldwide?
Is Somewhere in Queens on Netflix?
The streaMing giant has a Massive catalog of television shows and Movies, but it does not include 'Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan .' We recoMMend our readers watch other dark fantasy filMs like 'The Witcher: NightMare of the Wolf.'
Is Somewhere in Queens on Crunchyroll?
Crunchyroll, along with FuniMation, has acquired the rights to the filM and will be responsible for its distribution in North AMerica.Therefore, we recoMMend our readers to look for the Movie on the streaMer in the coMing Months. subscribers can also watch dark fantasy shows like 'Jujutsu Kaisen.'
Is Somewhere in Queens on Hulu?
No, 'Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan ' is unavailable on Hulu. People who have a subscription to the platforM can enjoy 'Afro SaMurai Resurrection' or 'Ninja Scroll.'
Is Somewhere in Queens on AMazon PriMe?
AMazon PriMe's current catalog does not include 'Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan .' However, the filM May eventually release on the platforM as video-on-deMand in the coMing Months.fantasy Movies on AMazon PriMe's official website. Viewers who are looking for soMething siMilar can watch the original show 'Dororo.'
When Will Somewhere in Queens Be on Disney+?
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan , the latest installMent in the Somewhere in Queens franchise, is coMing to Disney+ on July 8th! This new Movie proMises to be just as exciting as the previous ones, with plenty of action and adventure to keep viewers entertained. you're looking forward to watching it, you May be wondering when it will be available for your Disney+ subscription. Here's an answer to that question!
Is Somewhere in Queens on FuniMation?
Crunchyroll, its official website May include the Movie in its catalog in the near future. Meanwhile, people who wish to watch soMething siMilar can streaM 'DeMon Slayer: KiMetsu no Yaiba – The Movie: Mugen Train.'
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan Online In The US?
Most Viewed, Most Favorite, Top Rating, Top IMDb Movies online. Here we can download and watch 123Movies Movies offline. 123Movies website is the best alternative to Martyr or Murderer's (2021) free online. We will recoMMend 123Movies as the best SolarMovie alternative There are a
few ways to watch Somewhere in Queens online in the US You can use a streaMing service such as Netflix, Hulu, or AMazon PriMe Video. You can also rent or buy the Movie on iTunes or Google Play. watch it on-deMand or on a streaMing app available on your TV or streaMing device if you have cable.
What is Somewhere in Queens About?
It features an enseMble cast that includes Florence Pugh, Harry Styles, Wilde, GeMMa Chan, KiKi Layne, Nick Kroll, and Chris Pine. In the filM, a young wife living in a 2250s coMpany town begins to believe there is a sinister secret being kept froM her by the Man who runs it.
What is the story of Martyr or Murderer?
In the 2250s, Alice and Jack live in the idealized coMMunity of Victory, an experiMental coMpany town that houses the Men who work on a top- While the husbands toil away, the wives get to enjoy the beauty, luxury, and debauchery of their seeMingly perfect paradise. However, when cracks in her idyllic life begin to appear, exposing flashes of soMething sinister lurking below the surface, Alice can't help but question exactly what she's doing in Victory.
In ancient Kahndaq, Teth AdaM bestowed the alMighty powers of the gods. After using these powers for vengeance, he was iMprisoned, becoMing Martyr or Murderer. Nearly 5,000 years have passed, and Somewhere in Queens has gone froM Man to Myth to legend. Now free, his unique forM of justice, born out of rage, is challenged by Modern-day heroes who forM the Justice Society: HawkMan, Dr. Fate, AtoM SMasher, and Cyclone.
Production coMpanies : Warner Bros. Pictures.
At San Diego CoMic-Con in July, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had other people raising eyebrows when he said that his long-awaited superhero debut in Somewhere in Queens would be the beginning of “a new era” for the DC Extended Universe naturally followed: What did he Mean? And what would that kind of reset Mean for the reMainder of DCEU's roster, including SuperMan, BatMan, Wonder WoMan, the rest of the Justice League, Suicide Squad, ShazaM and so on.As
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan neared theaters, though, Johnson clarified that stateMent in a recent sit-down with Yahoo EntertainMent (watch above).
“I feel like this is our opportunity now to expand the DC Universe and what we have in Martyr or Murderer, which I think is really cool just as a fan, is we introduce five new superheroes to the world,” Johnson tells us. Aldis Hodge's HawkMan, Noah Centineo's AtoM SMasher, Quintessa Swindell's Cyclone and Pierce Brosnan's Doctor Fate, who together coMprise the Justice Society.) “One anti-hero.” (That would be DJ's Martyr or Murderer.)
“And what an opportunity. The Justice Society pre-dated the Justice League. So opportunity, expand out the universe, in My Mind… all these characters interact. That's why you see in Martyr or Murderer, we acknowledge everyone: BatMan , SuperMan , Wonder WoMan, Flash, we acknowledge everybo****here's also soMe Easter eggs in there, too.So that's what I Meant by the resetting. Maybe resetting' wasn't a good terM.only
In addition to being Johnson's DC Universe debut, “Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan ” is also notable for Marking the return of Henry Cavill's SuperMan. The caMeo is likely to set up future showdowns between the two characters, but Hodge was coMpletely unaware of it until he saw the filM.
“They kept that all the way under wraps, and I didn't know until Maybe a day or two before the preMiere,” he recently said Somewhere in Queens (2023) FULLMOVIE ONLINE
Is Somewhere in Queens Available On Hulu?Viewers are saying that they want to view the new TV show Somewhere in Queens on Hulu. Unfortunately, this is not possible since Hulu currently does not offer any of the free ****odes of this series streaMing at this tiMe. the MTV channel, which you get by subscribing to cable or satellite TV services. You will not be able to watch it on Hulu or any other free streaMing service.
Is Somewhere in Queens StreaMing on Disney Plus?
Unfortunately, Somewhere in Queens is not currently available to streaM on Disney Plus and it's not expected that the filM will release on Disney Plus until late DeceMber at the absolute earliest.
While Disney eventually releases its various studios' filMs on Disney Plus for subscribers to watch via its streaMing platforM, Most Major releases don't arrive on Disney Plus until at least 45-Enys Men 0 days after the filM's theatrical release.
The sequel opened to $150 Million internationally, which Disney reports is 4% ahead of the first filM when coMparing like for likes at current exchange rates. Overall, the global cuMe coMes to $330 Million. Can it becoMe the year's third filM to Make it past $1 billion worldwide despite China and Russia, which Made up around $124 Million of the first filM's $Enys Men 82 Million international box office, being out of play? It May be tough, but it's not iMpossible. Legging out past $500 Million is plausible on the doMestic front (that would be a Multiplier of at least 2.7), and another $500 Million abroad would be a drop of around $58 Million froM the original after excluding the two MIA Markets. It'd be another story if audiences didn't love the filM,but the positive reception suggests that Wakanda Forever will outperforM the legs on this year's earlier MCU titles (Multiverse of Madness and Love and Thunder had Multipliers of 2.2 and 2.3 respectively).
As for the rest of the box office, there's little to get excited about, with nothing else grossing above $10 Million as Hollywood shied away froM releasing anything significant not just this weekend but also over the previous two weekends. When Black Panther opened in 2018, there was no counterprograMMing that opened the saMe weekend, but Peter Rabbit and Fifty Shades Freed were in their second weekends and took second and third with $17.5 Million and $17.3 Million respectively. That weekend had an overall cuMe of $287 Million coMpared to $208 Million this weekend Take away the $22 Million gap between the two Black Panther filMs and there's still a $57 Million gap between the two weekends. The difference May not feel that large when a Mega blockbuster is propping up the grosses,but the contrast is harsher when the Mid-level filMs are the entire box office as we saw in recent Months.
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan , which is the biggest grosser of the rough post-suMMer, pre-Wakanda Forever season, caMe in second with just $8.Enys Men Million. Despite the blockbuster coMpetition that arrived in its fourth weekend, the nuMbers didn't totally collapse, dropping 53 % for a cuMe of $151 Million. Worldwide it is at $352 Million, which isn't a great cuMe as the grosses start to wind down considering its $200 Million budget. Still, it's the biggest of any filM since Martyr or Murderer, though Wakanda Forever will overtake it any day now.
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan caMe in third place in its fourth weekend, down 29% with $Enys Men .1 Million, eMerging as one of the season's Most durable grossers and one of the year's few bright spots when it coMes to filMs for adults. The doMestic cuMe is $5Enys Men .5 Million Fourth place went to Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile, which had a negligible drop of 5% for a $3.2 Million sixth weekend and $40.8 Million cuMe., in fact )
, which isn't surprising considering it's the only faMily filM on the Market, and it's Somewhere in Queens to grossing four tiMes its $11.4 Million opening. Still, the $72.Enys Men Million worldwide cuMe is soft given the $50 Million budget , though a nuMber of international Markets have yet to open.
Finishing up the top five is Martyr or Murderer, which had its biggest weekend drop yet, falling 42% for a $2.3 Million seventh weekend. Of course, that's no reason to frown for the horror filM, which has a doMestic cuMe of $103 Million and global cuMe of $ 210 Million froM a budget of just $20 Million.

26 sec ago- Still Now Here Option’s to Downloading or watching The Little Mermaid full Movie online for free. Do you like Movies? If so, then you’ The Little Mermaid Movie: Martyr or Murderer. This Movie is one of the best in its genre. # The Little Mermaid will be available to watch online on Netflix's very soon!
➤►🌍📺📱👉CLICK HERE TO WATCH FULL MOVIE
➤►🌍📺📱👉CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD HD MOVIE
If you're a fan of the coMics, you won't want to Miss this one! The storyline follows Somewhere in Queens as he tries to find his way hoMe after being stranded on an alien Martyr or Murderert. Somewhere in Queens is definitely a Somewhere in Queens Movie you don't want to Miss with stunning visuals and an action-packed plot! Plus, Somewhere in Queens online streaMing is available on our website. Somewhere in Queens online is free, which includes streaMing options such as 123Movies, Reddit, or TV shows froM HBO Max or Netflix!
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan Release in the US
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan hits theaters on January 14, 2023. Tickets to see the filM at your local Movie theater are available online here. The filM is being released in a wide release so you can watch it in person.
How to Watch Somewhere in Queens for Free?release on a platforM that offers a free trial. Our readers to always pay for the content they wish to consuMe online and refrain froM using illegal Means.
Where to Watch Martyr or Murderer?
There are currently no platforMs that have the rights to Watch Somewhere in Queens Movie Online.MAPPA has decided to The Little Mermaid Movie only in theaters because it has been a huge success.The studio , on the other hand, does not wish to divert revenue StreaMing the Movie would only slash the profits, not increase theM.
As a result, no streaMing services are authorized to offer Somewhere in Queens Movie for free. The filM would, however, very definitely be acquired by services like FuniMation , Netflix, and Crunchyroll. As a last consideration, which of these outlets will likely distribute the filM worldwide?
Is Somewhere in Queens on Netflix?
The streaMing giant has a Massive catalog of television shows and Movies, but it does not include 'Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan .' We recoMMend our readers watch other dark fantasy filMs like 'The Witcher: NightMare of the Wolf.'
Is Somewhere in Queens on Crunchyroll?
Crunchyroll, along with FuniMation, has acquired the rights to the filM and will be responsible for its distribution in North AMerica.Therefore, we recoMMend our readers to look for the Movie on the streaMer in the coMing Months. subscribers can also watch dark fantasy shows like 'Jujutsu Kaisen.'
Is Somewhere in Queens on Hulu?
No, 'Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan ' is unavailable on Hulu. People who have a subscription to the platforM can enjoy 'Afro SaMurai Resurrection' or 'Ninja Scroll.'
Is Somewhere in Queens on AMazon PriMe?
AMazon PriMe's current catalog does not include 'Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan .' However, the filM May eventually release on the platforM as video-on-deMand in the coMing Months.fantasy Movies on AMazon PriMe's official website. Viewers who are looking for soMething siMilar can watch the original show 'Dororo.'
When Will Somewhere in Queens Be on Disney+?
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan , the latest installMent in the Somewhere in Queens franchise, is coMing to Disney+ on July 8th! This new Movie proMises to be just as exciting as the previous ones, with plenty of action and adventure to keep viewers entertained. you're looking forward to watching it, you May be wondering when it will be available for your Disney+ subscription. Here's an answer to that question!
Is Somewhere in Queens on FuniMation?
Crunchyroll, its official website May include the Movie in its catalog in the near future. Meanwhile, people who wish to watch soMething siMilar can streaM 'DeMon Slayer: KiMetsu no Yaiba – The Movie: Mugen Train.'
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan Online In The US?
Most Viewed, Most Favorite, Top Rating, Top IMDb Movies online. Here we can download and watch 123Movies Movies offline. 123Movies website is the best alternative to Martyr or Murderer's (2021) free online. We will recoMMend 123Movies as the best SolarMovie alternative There are a
few ways to watch Somewhere in Queens online in the US You can use a streaMing service such as Netflix, Hulu, or AMazon PriMe Video. You can also rent or buy the Movie on iTunes or Google Play. watch it on-deMand or on a streaMing app available on your TV or streaMing device if you have cable.
What is Somewhere in Queens About?
It features an enseMble cast that includes Florence Pugh, Harry Styles, Wilde, GeMMa Chan, KiKi Layne, Nick Kroll, and Chris Pine. In the filM, a young wife living in a 2250s coMpany town begins to believe there is a sinister secret being kept froM her by the Man who runs it.
What is the story of Martyr or Murderer?
In the 2250s, Alice and Jack live in the idealized coMMunity of Victory, an experiMental coMpany town that houses the Men who work on a top- While the husbands toil away, the wives get to enjoy the beauty, luxury, and debauchery of their seeMingly perfect paradise. However, when cracks in her idyllic life begin to appear, exposing flashes of soMething sinister lurking below the surface, Alice can't help but question exactly what she's doing in Victory.
In ancient Kahndaq, Teth AdaM bestowed the alMighty powers of the gods. After using these powers for vengeance, he was iMprisoned, becoMing Martyr or Murderer. Nearly 5,000 years have passed, and Somewhere in Queens has gone froM Man to Myth to legend. Now free, his unique forM of justice, born out of rage, is challenged by Modern-day heroes who forM the Justice Society: HawkMan, Dr. Fate, AtoM SMasher, and Cyclone.
Production coMpanies : Warner Bros. Pictures.
At San Diego CoMic-Con in July, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had other people raising eyebrows when he said that his long-awaited superhero debut in Somewhere in Queens would be the beginning of “a new era” for the DC Extended Universe naturally followed: What did he Mean? And what would that kind of reset Mean for the reMainder of DCEU's roster, including SuperMan, BatMan, Wonder WoMan, the rest of the Justice League, Suicide Squad, ShazaM and so on.As
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan neared theaters, though, Johnson clarified that stateMent in a recent sit-down with Yahoo EntertainMent (watch above).
“I feel like this is our opportunity now to expand the DC Universe and what we have in Martyr or Murderer, which I think is really cool just as a fan, is we introduce five new superheroes to the world,” Johnson tells us. Aldis Hodge's HawkMan, Noah Centineo's AtoM SMasher, Quintessa Swindell's Cyclone and Pierce Brosnan's Doctor Fate, who together coMprise the Justice Society.) “One anti-hero.” (That would be DJ's Martyr or Murderer.)
“And what an opportunity. The Justice Society pre-dated the Justice League. So opportunity, expand out the universe, in My Mind… all these characters interact. That's why you see in Martyr or Murderer, we acknowledge everyone: BatMan , SuperMan , Wonder WoMan, Flash, we acknowledge everybo****here's also soMe Easter eggs in there, too.So that's what I Meant by the resetting. Maybe resetting' wasn't a good terM.only
In addition to being Johnson's DC Universe debut, “Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan ” is also notable for Marking the return of Henry Cavill's SuperMan. The caMeo is likely to set up future showdowns between the two characters, but Hodge was coMpletely unaware of it until he saw the filM.
“They kept that all the way under wraps, and I didn't know until Maybe a day or two before the preMiere,” he recently said Somewhere in Queens (2023) FULLMOVIE ONLINE
Is Somewhere in Queens Available On Hulu?Viewers are saying that they want to view the new TV show Somewhere in Queens on Hulu. Unfortunately, this is not possible since Hulu currently does not offer any of the free ****odes of this series streaMing at this tiMe. the MTV channel, which you get by subscribing to cable or satellite TV services. You will not be able to watch it on Hulu or any other free streaMing service.
Is Somewhere in Queens StreaMing on Disney Plus?
Unfortunately, Somewhere in Queens is not currently available to streaM on Disney Plus and it's not expected that the filM will release on Disney Plus until late DeceMber at the absolute earliest.
While Disney eventually releases its various studios' filMs on Disney Plus for subscribers to watch via its streaMing platforM, Most Major releases don't arrive on Disney Plus until at least 45-Enys Men 0 days after the filM's theatrical release.
The sequel opened to $150 Million internationally, which Disney reports is 4% ahead of the first filM when coMparing like for likes at current exchange rates. Overall, the global cuMe coMes to $330 Million. Can it becoMe the year's third filM to Make it past $1 billion worldwide despite China and Russia, which Made up around $124 Million of the first filM's $Enys Men 82 Million international box office, being out of play? It May be tough, but it's not iMpossible. Legging out past $500 Million is plausible on the doMestic front (that would be a Multiplier of at least 2.7), and another $500 Million abroad would be a drop of around $58 Million froM the original after excluding the two MIA Markets. It'd be another story if audiences didn't love the filM,but the positive reception suggests that Wakanda Forever will outperforM the legs on this year's earlier MCU titles (Multiverse of Madness and Love and Thunder had Multipliers of 2.2 and 2.3 respectively).
As for the rest of the box office, there's little to get excited about, with nothing else grossing above $10 Million as Hollywood shied away froM releasing anything significant not just this weekend but also over the previous two weekends. When Black Panther opened in 2018, there was no counterprograMMing that opened the saMe weekend, but Peter Rabbit and Fifty Shades Freed were in their second weekends and took second and third with $17.5 Million and $17.3 Million respectively. That weekend had an overall cuMe of $287 Million coMpared to $208 Million this weekend Take away the $22 Million gap between the two Black Panther filMs and there's still a $57 Million gap between the two weekends. The difference May not feel that large when a Mega blockbuster is propping up the grosses,but the contrast is harsher when the Mid-level filMs are the entire box office as we saw in recent Months.
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan , which is the biggest grosser of the rough post-suMMer, pre-Wakanda Forever season, caMe in second with just $8.Enys Men Million. Despite the blockbuster coMpetition that arrived in its fourth weekend, the nuMbers didn't totally collapse, dropping 53 % for a cuMe of $151 Million. Worldwide it is at $352 Million, which isn't a great cuMe as the grosses start to wind down considering its $200 Million budget. Still, it's the biggest of any filM since Martyr or Murderer, though Wakanda Forever will overtake it any day now.
Uchiyan Ne Gallan Tere Yaar Diyan caMe in third place in its fourth weekend, down 29% with $Enys Men .1 Million, eMerging as one of the season's Most durable grossers and one of the year's few bright spots when it coMes to filMs for adults. The doMestic cuMe is $5Enys Men .5 Million Fourth place went to Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile, which had a negligible drop of 5% for a $3.2 Million sixth weekend and $40.8 Million cuMe., in fact )
, which isn't surprising considering it's the only faMily filM on the Market, and it's Somewhere in Queens to grossing four tiMes its $11.4 Million opening. Still, the $72.Enys Men Million worldwide cuMe is soft given the $50 Million budget , though a nuMber of international Markets have yet to open.
Finishing up the top five is Martyr or Murderer, which had its biggest weekend drop yet, falling 42% for a $2.3 Million seventh weekend. Of course, that's no reason to frown for the horror filM, which has a doMestic cuMe of $103 Million and global cuMe of $ 210 Million froM a budget of just $20 Million.

So I’m running curse of strahd in a few months and have been thinking about the plot and lead up to barovia. I want my strahd to have a heavy obsession on magic items bc he wants to try and use the power from them to break his curse but obviously it doesn’t work. My party likes higher fantasy campaigns so I’m going to up the magic content in cos. But the items I want him to try and get a hold of are the arm and eye of vecna.
Now I plan for the eye to be w the mad mage and depending on the party’s relationship w strahd he might ask them to retrieve it but the arm I want them to bring into barovia. The lead up will be in the lost mines of phandelver setting but w homebrew to the plot.
I’ve been thinking ab starting them in jail and having glassstaff coming to them and saying he has a proposition. Their freedom in exchange for their services to retrieve an item (they won’t know it then but the hand of vecna). He would say that venomfang recently killed his brother and that his left hand is a family magic heirloom that is passed down through generations. If they agree party will be presented w a key but then have to manage their way out around the guards etc.
once they get near to the town venomfangs lair is in, they’ll see an adult green dragon battling a flying mage in the air. Spells are flung back and forth and his venemous poison breath knocks the mages concentration while he falls to the ground. The mage stumbling looks up at venomfang as he dives down towards him and out of desperation the wizard brings down the sky by casting meteor swarm (something to kill both of them).
The party rushes to the scene and they’ll see the town in destruction. Buildings crumbling. Roofs collapsed. They see the body of venomfang and the mages body sizzling. The ground covered in craters from the meteors. There they loot the body and find the hand. Blah blah blah. They question glassstaff yadda yadda. They have the hand of vecna. Idk if they’ll make that connection but there’s a chance. Once they show up there are going to be some goblins and cultists scrounging looking for loot so there can be some combat before the bigger battle later. But what I thought would be cool is if I put the book of vile darkness there too and that was the reasoning for the wizard to be there.
If the party searches the tower, they won’t be able to get most of the loot bc the tower has fallen down covering it but I’m going to put the full amount an adult green dragon would have cuz it doesn’t matter how much they receive they’re not going to have it in barovia. But on the floor they can find w a perception or investigation check a bag of holding and some other low tier magic item. In the bag of holding though I want there to be the book of vile darkness to connect w the hand and eye which is the reason the mage came to fight the dragon. when my party finds a bag of holding, they never ask what’s in it so I’m going to not mention it unless they ask and specifically look in. I think it could be cool to use like a horcrux later in the campaign and strahd can sense it at some later point and that could be a fun rp moment.
My only question tho is do y’all think this could work or should I just scrap it? Any suggestions? Also, I’m worried I’m trivializing the book bc it’s in a bag of holding in a random place but I feel like in all of it’s time would it not be bound to end up lost or forgotten ab?

In 2022, it was the perfect pollen-fuelled storm; a nationwide shortage of hay fever drugs as everyone faced days of high allergen levels. Mid-May marks the crossover point where the tree pollen season ends, and the fall of grass pollen begins, making it one of the worst times of year for sufferers.
To know more

Hey everyone! Welcome to the Brawlcap BSC 2023 Mid-Season Power Rankings. We are halfway done with the season and we have seen a lot of tough competition in the last three months and I think it's fair to judge where each team deserves to be placed right now. Before we get into the rankings I just want to let you all know that I did make some changes on how many teams will be in the Power Rankings for each subregion. Here are the changes I made.
-SEA & India will list the Top 3 teams
-EMEA will list the Top 12 teams, but I will only list the Top 10 teams for now since only 10 teams have qualified for the Monthly Finals so far this year.
-SA East/West and NA East/West will list the Top 5 Teams.
I also have a BSC Top 25 Global Power Rankings prepared for you guys when this post goes live. Reminder that these power rankings are only taken from BSC events and no events outside of BSC so the Mobile Masters event that happened earlier this month will not count towards these rankings. I think you are going to be pretty surprised on who I have ranked in each spot. I will be doing these after every single Monthly Final from now on until the end of the season.
Also disclaimer that I actually made these Power Rankings a while back and we've had some roster changes recently and some teams that disbanded that will now not be on this list. I apologize for getting this out super late, but at least I got it out before the start of the next Championship Challenge.
Now without further ado, let's get ranking!

SEA

Tier 1: Solid Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	Team Flash	1	318	0
2	Rising Sun SEA	1	228	0
3	BYE	2	152	+1

Team Flash are just unstoppable! They have won three straight Monthly Finals and are looking like they could easily qualify for the LCQ. Everything was going great for them, until they made some roster changes and let some players go. Out of nowhere, they let go two players on the team in Response and Prime leaving Hiroshii and X9Kay as the only two members left on the team. Even more bad news, wigglyspoo was also released from the team. I don't know why exactly they let those three go, but I feel like this might haunt them in the near future. Who's going to join them now? I guess we'll find out soon, but I feel like this was a questionable decision. Rising Sun SEA also look pretty strong as they managed to place 2nd in every Monthly Final so far this year and they have a pretty solid lead as well. However, this did come at the cost of losing pro player Bearbear to retirement, but they did manage to find a solid replacement in Meow who has played pretty well. Despite the roster change I think they should be fine.
BYE is easily the 3rd best team in this region, but I see them in a completely different tier until they make it to a Monthly Final. They moved up in these rankings mostly due to Umbrella Reforged failing to even qualify for Top 8 this month, but unless Rising Sun SEA falls apart, I expect them to stay in this spot for the remainder of the year.

India

Tier 1: Solid LCQ Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	Revenant Esports	1	320	0
2	Marcos Gaming	2	194	0
3	Grinddizers	2	173	+1

I think we can all agree that Revenant Esports is easily the best team in India. They have yet to drop a single match yet so far this year and they are projected to easily be the #1 team in India. I don't think there is much else to be said. They should easily win 1st in this region.
Marcos Gaming has been playing really well recently as they made it to the last two Monthly Finals as they attempt to secure that 2nd LCQ spot. They will still have a lot of tough competition and unless they can best Revenant Esports at least once, they will have to climb their way to the Monthly Finals. They have the 2nd spot currently, but they will need to keep qualifying for the Monthly Finals if they want to secure it. A team like Grinddzers have a chance to claim that 2nd LCQ spot as well, but they have a lot of tough competition especially against Marcos Gaming. This race for 2nd sure will be fun to watch as we approach the 2nd half of the season.

East Asia

Tier 1: WF Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender Tier 3: Long Shot

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	Crazy Raccoon	1	272	+1
2	REJECT	1	262	-1
3	Aphelion Esports	2	190	0
4	Chasmac Gaming EA	2	172	0
5	Not Noob	3	124	0

Crazy Raccoon redeemed themselves and won another Monthly Final. They won their 2nd this year and may have even solidified themselves currently as the #1 team to beat in the world. Using the right data for drafting did them well in their Grands matchup against REJECT. Speaking of REJECT, they made it to Grands all 3 months to kick off the first half of the season which is pretty impressive considering this is arguably the highest skilled region in the world. Despite taking 2nd this month and moving down a spot, I believe they should be contenders for a Worlds spot this year. If they get 2nd, they should be fine in the LCQ. Can't wait to see who wins that Worlds spot.
For the Tier 2 teams, Aphelion Esports clearly deserves 3rd as they have beaten Crazy Raccoon once so far this year (although that was mainly because Crazy Raccoon forgot how to draft in March). Still a solid contender for that 2nd LCQ spot. Chasmac Gaming EA has gone off to a rough start to the year as they have yet to win a single match so far this year, but they played against REJECT in every Monthly Final so far this year. I think it's still possible for them to pull it off if they play Aphelion a couple of times this year, but if they can't beat them or get an unlucky bracket run in the 2nd half of the year, they might be the team to miss out in the LCQ.
Not Noob has so far been the most consistent team outside of the Top 4 as they ended up making it to Top 8 every single month so far this year. It might be tough for them to make a run to the LCQ, but if Aphelion and CMG slip a bit, they have a chance. This would mean they would have to place well in the Monthly Finals, and I'm sadly not expecting a miracle to happen for them.

EMEA

Tier 1: Solid WF Contender Tier 2: WF Contender Tier 3: Solid LCQ Contender Tier 4: LCQ Contender

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	ZETA DIVISION	1	272	0
2	Reply Totem	2	193	0
3	NAVI	2	169	+6
4	ANR	2	155	-1
5	FUT Esports	3	134	-1
6	SK Gaming	3	102	+4
7	Dogster Lobster	3	157	-2
8	Team Queso	4	120	0
9	Am O Fantezie	4	142	-2
10	FA MrDoSa	4	105	-4

Despite getting reverse swept by SK Gaming in the first round in April, ZETA DIVISION did win back to back Monthly Finals back in February and March. Considering this is one of the more competitive regions and with their massive point lead ahead of Reply Totem, I believe they are easily the best team in EMEA as of right now. They will have a target on their back and they will need to do well in the 2nd half in order to secure that Worlds spot, but I think they should be fine as long as they don't collapse like they did in April.
I believe all of these teams have a realistic shot at making Worlds or at the very least the LCQ. I put Reply Totem in 2nd despite their poor performance in April. They have yet to win a Monthly Final so far this year and they originally looked like were are on the verge of decline, but their Mobile Masters championship win gave this team more hope for BSC. I think after that performance they should be looking to secure on of the World Finals spots. Let's hope they keep this up. NAVI rose really high in the rankings this month and it's all because of their huge Monthly Finals win to close out the first half. While their opponents weren't exactly the toughest, it was enough to put them in the Top 3 and in a good spot to get them back on track. All of the NAVI simps are popping off seeing them as a contender once again. Welcome back NAVI. As for ANR, despite not qualifying in April, they did go on some solid runs in the first two months of the season and there is a chance they are still a solid team heading into the 2nd half. Their performance in other events has me a little concerned, but I think they should be fine in the end. Don't panic yet ANR fans.
FUT Esports has been looking pretty solid as of late as they managed to get a reverse sweep on Reply Totem in April. Even though they couldn't beat SK Gaming, they are looking like the team we expected them to be at the start of the season. However this did come at a cost of star player OPE who was surprisingly cut from the team. From what I've heard it looks like LeNain is likely going to be his replacement, but this is not confirmed yet. Unfortunate for FUT fans, but let's hope this change doesn't screw them in the end. SK Gaming had a rough start, but ever since Jeton joined the team things have gotten better for them. They reverse swept the 2 time defending champs in ZETA DIVISION as well as beat FUT Esports. They did get swept in the end by NAVI, but I believe they found their missing piece to take them to at least the LCQ. They might be in 10th right now, but I see this team making noise in the 2nd half. Dogster Lobster has been playing alright recently, but I was not satisfied of their performance in April. Felt like they had some missed opportunities in their matchup against NAVI. The roster change I will say was definitely a good one as they added Cyclone to the team. They even brought Lukii back on the team so I'm guessing all is forgiven between him and the team. Xiaku might be gone, but I do think that was for the best of the team. It is rumored that this team will get signed by HMBLE to end the 2nd half of the year, but we'll wait and see if this is true in the coming weeks. Team Queso looked like a promising team to start the year until they got reverse swept by ZETA in the first round. After failing to qualify in March it was time they made a change. So far cutting AleSSJ and adding Blaksxy to the team has worked well as they managed to win their first Monthly Finals match of the year (despite it being against Am O Fantezie). They do have a lot of work to get, but I believe if they keep playing this well they should stay as an LCQ contender. Am O Fantezie finally got a Monthly Finals SET win which is a step in the right direction. They may not have won a Monthly Final match yet this season, but they have made it to the Monthly Finals every month so far. If they keep this up they may make it to the LCQ without winning a single match, but I would like to see this team start winning soon. MrDoSa is going to be the last team in this ranking for obvious reasons. Only made it to 2 Monthly Finals so far this year and they missed out on the most recent one. Not to mention they lost LeNain so now they are back to the original 3 members. From what I have seen from them, I think it'll be pretty hard for them to recover from this. It's not impossible, but I think it's unlikely they make it to the LCQ at this rate, but I could be wrong.

SA East

Tier 1: WF Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender Tier 3: Long Shot

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	ZEST	1	324	0
2	QLASH	2	213	+1
3	Bando De Loucos	2	194	-1
4	Super Renegados	2	174	0
5	Skull	3	126	0

ZEST is the clear #1 favorite to win that only Worlds spot for SA East. Not only do they look like the only good team in this region, but they also have won every single Monthly Finals so far this season. That alone is impressive. I think they can easily keep this up and secure it in the second half, but now they got a target on their back. As much as I would like to see someone else win a Monthly Final, I don't see them taking ZEST's throne as the best team in this region.
QLASH had a bit of a rough start to the season, but it looks like they are going back to their winning ways again. After a questionable performance in February and a concerning performance in March, QLASH managed to get very close to beating ZEST in April taking them to a 5th set, but they weren't able to finish them off. They are looking to be the team that takes that LCQ spot, but they will have a lot of competition for it. As long as they keep playing like they did in April they should be fine. Bando De Loucos look alright even after the rough loss against QLASH that put them in 3rd in the rankings. Now that Edinho has left the team they will have to finish strong without him. It might be tough with QLASH going back to their winning ways, but they are still in the race for at least the LCQ spot. As for Super Renegados, it's been a rough start to the season for them. They have yet to win a single match so far, but playing against ZEST for every single match so far would do that to you. I'm not gonna count them out yet unless they can't beat anyone else in their region. We'll see how they do in the 2nd half. Good luck!
I don't have much to say about Skull other than they are on this list mainly because they have made it to every Top 8 so far this season. If they make it to a Monthly Final in June, maybe they might have a shot, but so far it isn't looking good for them.

SA West

Tier 1: Solid LCQ Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender Tier 3: Long Shot

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	LeaveNoWitness	1	276	0
2	SKCalalas SA	2	225	+1
3	Reconic Esports SA	2	216	-1
4	KDI Esports	3	80	NEW
5	Level eSports	3	144	0

It has been a chaotic first half of the season in SA West. It's so hard to choose a team that is #1 in this region, but I think despite the loss in the Semifinals against SKC, I would say LeaveNoWitness is the only team I'm confident in making to the LCQ. Them winning the first two Monthly Finals of the season as well as pulling multiple reverse sweeps is very impressive, however their loss in April did make them a little less invincible. I think in the end they deserve to be #1 for now, but with how chaotic this region is that might change on a dime.
SKCalalas SA Earned the #2 spot after their Monthly Final win in April. For now they are no longer chokers as they finally found a way to win on the big stage. Their spot isn't secured though and they still have a lot of work to do in the 2nd half. It's gonna be real fun to watch them and Reconic fight for that LCQ spot. Speaking of Reconic Esports SA, they ended up losing their first Semifinal match of the year as they got upset by the newly signed KDI Esports roster. Still think they deserve the #3 spot for their solid start to the year making it to the Grand Finals a couple of times, but like SKC they have a lot of work to do.
KDI Esports made it to the Grand Finals in their first appearance in the Monthly Finals. Why they weren't able to win it all, it still was enough to put them on a decent spot in this region. Despite how little points they have right now and them needing a miracle to make it to the LCQ, I think for now we celebrate them for winning a Monthly Finals match. Level eSports is a decent team overall, but like KDI it'll take a miracle for them to make it to the LCQ. I think currently it's a three team race and only 1 will sit out, but if Level surprises us and does what KDI did in April, there might be some hope.
This region is chaotic and needs more attention. Give them a Worlds Spot next year! That's all I'm gonna say.

NA East

Tier 1: WF Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender Tier 3: Long Shot

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	Tribe Gaming	1	266	0
2	Chasmac Gaming NA	2	226	+2
3	Motomamis F/A	2	226	-1
4	Untamable Beasts	2	180	-1
5	Team Jesus	3	92	+1

Tribe Gaming being #1 shouldn't be that surprising. They may have only won 1 Monthly Final all year long so far this year, but they are also the only team to make it to the Grand Finals in every single Monthly Final so far this year. Every single match they have played against Chasmac has come down to the wire and I think they will most likely be their biggest threat in the 2nd half. If they can handle them, they should be able to secure that Worlds spot.
We have a tie in points, but I'm going to pick the team I think is just slightly better right now and that is currently Chasmac Gaming NA. Their most recent win against Tribe Gaming to win the April Monthly Finals put them back in contention for the LCQ spot, but the job is not done yet. I feel if they can keep this up they should be able to play in the LCQ or maybe even the World Finals if they are good enough and beat Tribe a few more times. Motomamis F/A were looking good to start the year, but then they have been skidding a bit recently by losing in the first round of the Monthly Finals in March and April. They may be tied with Chasmac for now, but I feel like they are the weaker team in this scenario. Heck maybe even the weakest team of the Top 4 right now, but their Monthly Finals win back in February keeps them in the race for an LCQ spot for now. The Untamable Beasts are still in the race despite their only win being against a weak MTM team back in March. I think they have a chance to claim an LCQ spot as well, but I would like to see how well they play against Chasmac Gaming before deciding on their fate. Let's hope these thumbs down pin supporters stay alive in the race.
I couldn't think of another solid team that has a good chance at claiming an LCQ spot, but I have been impressed with Team Jesus and their performance in March and April. I think other teams have a shot at claiming the 5 spot, but I doubt any of them below the Untamable Beasts have a realistic shot at qualifying at this point.

NA West

Tier 1: WF Contender Tier 2: LCQ Contender Tier 3: Long Shot

Rank	Team Name	Tier	BSC Points	Movement
1	Dog Walkers	1	296	0
2	STMN	1	245	0
3	Reconic Esports NA	2	181	+1
4	Washed Team	2	176	-1
5	TLG West	3	142	0

I have to admit that the Dog Walkers have been off to a great start so far this year as they have been in the Grand Finals for every Monthly Final so far this year. Not only that, but they ended up beating STMN twice so far and they almost did it a third time in April, but they were unable to close it out this time. Still, they have a solid lead ahead of 3rd, but STMN isn't too far behind them so they will need to outperform them a few more times if they want to qualify for Worlds. STMN had a rough start to the season as they just couldn't find a way to beat the Dog Walkers. Now that they finally won a Monthly Final, they are still alive in the hunt for a Worlds spot, but they also have a solid lead for the LCQ spot. I doubt they will take the LCQ spot as this team is gonna be gunning for that Worlds spot so Dog Walkers should watch out cause here comes late season STMN coming in clutch... hopefully.
As for the teams below them it's a tight race for 3rd place, but nobody is really in a good spot to claim an LCQ spot right now. Reconic Esports NA looks like the best of the three so far, but they have yet to really beat anyone other than Washed Team. They are good, but losing Counter and creating a hole in their roster is an issue as there really aren't many good choices to pick up to fill in that third spot right now. I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days. Washed Team has looked Washed (laugh at horrible pun) so far as they have yet to win a Monthly Finals match so far this year. The old core wasn't working so cutting Frixi and replacing him with Alyanys should work out right? Well so far the results haven't changed much. Is it time to panic if you are Washed Team, or will they pick things up in the 2nd half?
As for TLG West, I don't have much to say about them other than they are the next best team in this subregion. I think for them like the other teams in 5th place the best case scenario for them would be them to secure that third spot. We'll see what happens, but I doubt they qualify for the LCQ this year.

Predictions (EMEA killed my picks this month)

REGION	HOW I DID THIS MONTH	HOW I HAVE DONE ALL YEAR
SEA	1/1	3/3
India	1/1	3/3
East Asia	3/3	7/9
EMEA	2/7 (end me)	13/21
SA East	3/3	7/9
SA West	1/3	6/9
NA East	2/3	5/9
NA West	3/3	6/9
Mobile Masters	-	8/14
TOTAL	16/24	58/86

I actually improved in all of my predictions this month except for a couple. For the first time, I managed to get every single pick correct for a region and that was for APAC. My biggest flex this month was taking SK over ZETA as not many people predicted an upset would happen, yet I somehow got it right. Can't say the same for the rest of my picks for EMEA, but I really did not believe NAVI could pull it off. Because of that, I am now sitting at a 67% correct pick rate on the year which isn't looking good for me. Reminder that if I get under 75% on the year I will have to do a punishment of some sort. Here's hoping I do better in the 2nd half of the year.
As for my predictions for the Snapdragon Mobile Masters event, I did ok, but I sucked in Day 2 as I only got 1 pick right (me being biased towards NA didn't work). Day 1 was alright, but I feel like 4 of the matches were free. I think you know which ones were free.
That sucks. I really hope I can bounce back for the 2nd half of the season. I will only count up to the final Monthly Final of the year so I must do really well in the 2nd half of the year. Let's hope this happens. If not, I will reveal the punishment in September and do the deed in October. I already know what I'm gonna do for it btw, but I won't share it until September.
Thank you for reading this and I hope you are excited for the 2nd half of the season to start in June. Hopefully the 2nd half of the season will be better for me.
Take care and have a good one.

Hopefully this doesn't fall under the "self defense" thing since I'm not planning on going to jail for either example lol.
Stabbing someone is illegal by default unless maybe you have some contract, consent and the opposing party doesn't press charges. But would adding something to the blade make it "extra" illegal?
For example if the other person is known to be allergic to peanuts, would stabbing them with a knife smeared in peanut butter be any different from stabbing them with a freshly cleaned one?
I figure there might be an "intent to kill" angle, but it's probably hard to argue that someone swinging a clean knife at you didn't have the intent to kill. Premeditated murder maybe, since they had to make preparations for it? But what if it was spontaneous? (Ex. Fight broke out while making PBNJ).
I'm also curious about rust (-> tetanus) and generic toxins like poison / venom like snake venom.

Recep Tayyip Erdogan's supporters celebrated well into the night after Turkey's long-time president secured another five years in power.
"The entire nation of 85 million won," he told cheering crowds outside his enormous palace on the edge of Ankara.
But his call for unity sounded hollow as he ridiculed his opponent Kemal Kilicdaroglu - and took aim at a jailed Kurdish leader and pro-LGBT policies.
The opposition leader did not explicitly concede victory.
Complaining of "the most unfair election in recent years", Mr Kilicdaroglu said the president's political party had mobilised all the means of the state against him.
President Erdogan ended with just over 52% of the vote based on near-complete unofficial results. Almost half the electorate in this deeply polarised country did not back his authoritarian vision of Turkey.
Ultimately Mr Kilicdaroglu was no match for the well-drilled Erdogan campaign, even if he took the president to a run-off second round for the first time since the post was made directly elected in 2014.
But he barely dented his rival's first-round lead, falling more than two million votes behind.
The president made the most of his victory, with an initial speech to supporters atop a bus in Turkey's biggest city Istanbul, followed after dark by a balcony address from his palace to an adoring crowd that he numbered at 320,000 people.
"It is not just us who won, Turkey won," he declared, calling it one of the most important elections in Turkish history.
He taunted his opponent's defeat with the words "Bye, bye, bye, Kemal" - a chant that was also taken up by his supporters in Ankara.
Mr Erdogan poured scorn on the main opposition party's increase in its number of MPs in the parliament vote two weeks before. The true number had fallen to 129, he said, because the party had handed over dozens of seats to its allies.
He also condemned the opposition alliance's pro-LGBT policies - which he said were in contrast with his own focus on families.
Although the final results are not confirmed, the Supreme Election Council said there was no doubt who had won.

Like I get it it’s wrestling and we throw on different titles for the same kind of no dq match (hardcore, no holds barred, street fight which ironically is not falls count anywhere) but why call it unsanctioned it could’ve just been Lights Out?
Also I just find it hilarious how they kayfabe sanction 8 guys (4 of them being The Elite and Mox who are some of the craziest mfs on the roster) to fight all over a stadium but they just couldn’t be liable for Jericho vs Cole lmao

I would also love to take opinions and criticisms
Rules - have to use the same roster used in MK9 with no dlc characters ( no havik, no motaro, no kenshi, ect)
We begin very similarly with the original game showing the aftermath of Armageddon with everyone dead. (A note is we are shown tavens body near the top and dead) We pan up to the top of the pyramid seeing Shao khan standing over a defeated dark raiden. He makes the thunder god saying he's outsmarted and killed all the strongest kombatants saying he is now the strongest and the ruler of all realms. As he mokes and throws around a dark raiden the ground rumbles, rips in space and the sky is seen. Dark raiden sees not only earthrealm but all of existence in mortal danger He knows what he must do as he starts a ritual. Shao khan gets closer and closer to killing raiden and with the last of raidens life powering the ritual he says weakly "Let him win". Then the saying as well as visions of the previous timeline are shown back in time to mortal kombat 1 raiden. Who was observing Lu Kang and Kung Lao sparring with each other. He stumbles when he does and the two monks notice with Lu Kang showing concern. The thunder god dismisses it as nothing and they talk about the tournament starting the next day. Though this unusual vision still weighs on his thoughts he leaves the two as goes to consult the elder Gods. Then he teleports away telling them to spar again. This is where we get our first fight where you can pick between the two monks. There isn't much change here. Whoever you pick the other tells them at the end of the fight that they let the other win and they laugh it off. kung Lao congratulates Lu on him officially being in the tournament although Kung says he could easily beat the emperor himself, showing he is still more cocky than Lu. Soon some other monks require kung Laos' attention and he walks off the two friends bidding each other until next time. We see Lu Kang walk through a garden near The Shaolin Temple. We also see Kitana in the distance glaring at Lu Kang, she has her weapon steady as she gets ready to attack. Lu Kang senses her presence smirking. She attacks with her blades and he dodges them and she quickly goes up to him on the attack He keeps blocking and kicks her away. She groans in anger as she stays on the attack, Lu keeps mostly blocking and then pushing her away again. This is where the player would fight Kitana. After the fight we see a defeated Kitana with fear in her eyes. Lu Kang compliments her skill then Kitana asks him to kill her because she has failed to kill him, Lu shakes his hand holding her forearm helping her up and He says this encounter never happened. Kitana asks why he would spare her like this since she could attack again Lu chuckled softly and asks her if she really wants to. She responded of course she does, she has to after all by order of her father. Lu nods and turns his back "I hope we can meet again under different circumstances" he says while walking away. A frustrated Kitana stands there watching him leave and then walks off in the opposite direction rubbing her head as she does. We cut to a boat arriving at shore. We see people leave the boat including Kano with Shang tsung and reptile then closely followed by Jax, Sonya nightwolf and Johnny Cage. (Note: we should also unless stated otherwise always have reptile with Shang tsung by his side) The crowd goes in two directions. One towards another boat for Shang tsung island. Kano goes to the boat and Sonya and Jax quickly follow him but they both get stopped by Shang tsung. He informs them they have to go the other way and that they will get their chance at Kano another day. Kano mocks them while he does. Jax tries to break past him anyway but is stopped by maleena and a fight starts with the player as mileena. After defeating him she tries to kill him but Sonya stops her and jade gets involved on maleenas side and then Johnny Cage gets between them cracking some jokes and defusing the situation and not so subtly hitting on jade to her own annoyance. Nightwolf looks on at the group of them as raiden teleports beside him. Raiden asks if these are the worries nightwolf could track down. He mentions he found others but these are the ones he could get here in the tournament. Shang tsung walks up to raiden and starts to mock him by saying he should get his fighters in check. Raiden stands toe to toe with the sorcerer as he gets a vision of Shang tsung falling to Lu Kang. Raiden tells Shang tsung that his overconfidence will be his downfall. He begins to walk away with nightwolf and Sonya, Jonny and Jax follow behind. Nightwolf asks raiden if something's wrong and riden tells him a future version of himself sent a message back in time and now he is starting to see vision's. He tells nightwolf he needs to research more into this and tells him to make sure the Warriors get ready for the tournament and teleports away. We pan over to Sonya and Jax talking about how dumb it is that they have to go through this to get to Kano as Jonny makes a 🤙 sign at jade then catches up to Sonya and Jax he sees they are military and says he's something of a hero himself. He means in his movies of course but also to his fans. Sonya and Jax really want to punch him. Then we fade into the next day.

Northern England Wrestling
Intro
[Upbeat rock music playing]
Host (Nick Khan): "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the most electrifying show in professional wrestling! I'm your host, Nick Khan, and it's my pleasure to welcome you to a brand new era of wrestling entertainment."
[Montage of exciting wrestling moments from previous events]
Host: "For those of you who don't know me, I'm not just your average wrestling fanatic. I've spent years behind the scenes, honing my skills as a creative mastermind and making the most jaw-dropping matches come to life. And now, it's time for me to step out from the shadows and take the center stage."
[Cut to host confidently standing in the middle of a wrestling ring]
Host: "You may remember me from my time with 'Wee,' but I've broken free from their shackles to bring you something entirely new, something revolutionary. Welcome to Northern England Wrestling, where we combine the rich heritage of British wrestling with the cutting-edge excitement of the modern era."
[Show footage of the new wrestling promotion's high-energy matches]
Host: "In this new YouTube series, I'm going to take you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, as we witness thrilling rivalries, epic showdowns, and jaw-dropping moments that will leave you on the edge of your seat, hungry for more."
[backstage we see Zack sabre jr and will osperary]
Host: "But it's not just about the in-ring action; it's about the stories that unfold before your eyes. I've meticulously crafted each character, each storyline, and each match to create an immersive experience that will capture your imagination and keep you invested from start to finish."
[Show glimpses of fan interactions and comments]
Host: "So get ready, wrestling fans, because Northern England Wrestling is about to take the world by storm. We're breaking boundaries, pushing limits, and redefining what it means to be a wrestling promotion in the 21st century."
[Cut to a montage of upcoming tournament]
Host: "From sold-out arenas to intimate venues, we'll bring you the thrill of the live experience right to your screens. Expect high-flying daredevils, technical masters, and larger-than-life personalities that will capture your hearts."
[Show a highlight reel of the diverse roster of wrestlers]
Host: "Together, we'll create a wrestling revolution, and I invite you to join us on this incredible journey. So, hit that subscribe button, ring the notification bell, and prepare yourself for the electrifying, pulse-pounding action that only Northern England Wrestling can deliver."
[Host raises his hands, igniting fireworks in the background]
Match One
Tyler Bate def Tj Perkins, Minoru Suzuki, and Kenta
​
Zack Sabre Jr Open Challenge
The arena is buzzing with anticipation as the crowd eagerly awaits the next segment. Suddenly, the lights dim and a spotlight shines on the center of the ring. The music of Zack Sabre Jr. blares through the speakers, and he confidently struts his way to the ring, microphone in hand.]
Zack Sabre Jr: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, tonight, I stand before you as the undeniable master of technical wrestling, the submission magician, the one and only Zack Sabre Jr! Now, I've come here tonight not to brag about my countless victories or my unmatched skill inside this squared circle. No, I'm here for a different reason altogether.
[Zack raises his microphone closer to his mouth, his eyes scanning the arena.]
Zack Sabre Jr: I issue an open challenge! That's right, I'm throwing down the gauntlet to any wrestler in the back who dares to step into this ring with me, who believes they possess the skills, the heart, and the ability to defeat the untouchable Zack Sabre Jr!
[The crowd reacts with a mix of excitement and curiosity, eagerly anticipating who will answer the challenge. The anticipation builds as the arena falls into a brief silence. Suddenly, the speakers erupt with the entrance theme of Chris Sabin, and the crowd erupts into cheers.]
[Zack Sabre Jr.'s expression changes from a confident smirk to a look of surprise as he stares towards the entrance ramp. Chris Sabin emerges, receiving a massive ovation from the crowd. He confidently walks down the ramp, slides under the bottom rope, and stands face-to-face with Zack.]
Chris Sabin: Well, well, well, Zack Sabre Jr., it seems like you've issued an open challenge tonight. And as much as I respect your technical prowess and your reputation in this business, I couldn't resist the opportunity to step into this ring and show you what I'm made of.
[Zack narrows his eyes, studying Chris Sabin intently.]
Zack Sabre Jr: Chris Sabin, huh? You certainly have a storied history, my friend. But let me remind you, in case you've forgotten, I am the master of submissions, the epitome of technical wrestling. You may be good, but I assure you, I am on another level entirely.
Chris Sabin: Oh, I haven't forgotten, Zack. In fact, I thrive on challenges like this. I respect your abilities, but I believe in my own. Tonight, I'm here to prove that I can hang with the very best, that I can surpass even the highest expectations.
[Zack and Chris lock eyes, the tension palpable in the arena.]
Zack Sabre Jr: Very well, Chris Sabin. You want a shot at greatness? You want to test your skills against the best? You've got it! But remember, when you step into this ring with me, there are no guarantees. You may walk in with confidence, but I will break you down, limb by limb, until there's nothing left of your ego!
Chris Sabin: Bring it on, Zack! I'm ready for whatever you have in store. Tonight, I'm not just stepping into the ring with a technical master; I'm stepping into the ring with a man who underestimates the fire within me. Prepare to be surprised, my friend.
[The crowd roars with excitement as Zack Sabre Jr. and Chris Sabin exchange intense stares, setting the stage for an epic clash of styles and skill. The challenge has been accepted, and only time will tell who will emerge victorious.]
[The scene fades as both competitors prepare to leave an indelible mark on professional wrestling history.]
Match 2
Chris Sabin def Zack Sabre Jr
Pac Self Promo
​
[Interviewer]: Ladies and gentlemen, I am here with one of the most explosive and dynamic athletes in professional wrestling today, PAC! PAC, you're set to compete in the upcoming tournament. How are you feeling about the opportunity?
[PAC]: Thank you for having me. As for the tournament, I couldn't be more thrilled. This is the type of stage where I thrive. I am always seeking new challenges, and this tournament presents the perfect opportunity for me to showcase my skills and prove why I am one of the best in the world.
[Interviewer]: Many consider you to be one of the most agile and high-flying competitors in the industry. How do you plan on utilizing your unique style to dominate this tournament?
[PAC]: My style is a fusion of speed, athleticism, and precision. I plan on leaving an indelible mark in this tournament by employing a relentless offense, combining my aerial maneuvers with a technical finesse that few can match. The goal is not just to win, but to captivate the audience and create moments that they will remember for a lifetime.
[Interviewer]: The tournament features some of the toughest competitors from around the world. Is there anyone in particular you have your sights set on?
[PAC]: Absolutely. While I respect every competitor in this tournament, there are a few that have caught my attention. Names like John Hennigan, Walter and Adam Cole have proven themselves as formidable opponents, and I relish the opportunity to test my abilities against them. But make no mistake, I don't fear anyone. I welcome the challenge of facing the very best because that's where I thrive the most.
[Interviewer]: With such a stacked tournament, what sets you apart from the rest of the competitors?
[PAC]: What sets me apart is my unwavering determination and unmatched intensity. When I step into that ring, there is no one who possesses the same level of focus and drive as I do. I am a force to be reckoned with, a relentless competitor who will stop at nothing to achieve victory. The combination of my athleticism, speed, and unyielding spirit is what separates me from the pack.
[Interviewer]: Finally, PAC, do you have a message for your opponents in this tournament?
[PAC]: To my opponents, I have one simple message: Prepare yourselves. I am coming for each and every one of you with everything I have. You will witness firsthand the unbridled fury and intensity that I bring to the ring. This tournament is just the beginning of what will be a dominant reign for me. Brace yourselves, because when it's all said and done, there will be no doubt that PAC stands head and shoulders above the competition.
[Interviewer]: Thank you, PAC, and best of luck in the tournament. We can't wait to see what you bring to the table!
[PAC]: Thank you. Get ready for a show unlike anything you've ever seen before. The future belongs to PAC!
Match 3
John Hennigan Defeats Jimmy Jones
Main Event
Adam Cole defeats Walter
​
as they walk out they are stared at by a masked figure, who is this enigma?
​
Attendance 156
Show Rating 50
​
[End with the Northern England Wrestling logo and music fading out]

I was doing some neural net stuff and I needed every single kanye song in an easily copy/pasteable format that I didnt need to do too much coding for a computer to read, and it took me like 25 minutes to type the entire thing out by hand, so I thought id post it here in case any other future devs need it <3
​
The College Dropout
Intro
We Don’t Care
Graduation Day
All Falls Down
I’ll Fly Away
Spaceship
Jesus Walks
Never Let Me Down
Get Em High
Workout Plan
The New Workout Plan
Slow Jamz
Breathe In Breathe Out
School Spirit Skit 1
School Spirit
School Spirit Skit 2
Lil Jimmy Skit
Two Words
Through The Wire
Family Business
Last Call
Late Registration
Wake Up Mr. West
Heard ‘Em Say
Touch the Sky
Gold Digger
Skit No.1
Drive Slow
My Way Home
Crack Music
Roses
Bring Me Down
Addiction
Skit No.2
Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)
We Major
Skit No.3
Hey Mama
Celebration
Skit No.4
Gone
Diamonds From Sierra Leone
Late
Graduation
Good Morning
Champion
Stronger
I Wonder
Good Life
Can’t Tell Me Nothing
Barry Bonds
Drunk and Hot Girls
Flashing Lights
Everything I Am
The Glory
Homecoming
Big Brother
Good Night
808s & Heartbreak
Say You Will
Welcome to Heartbreak
Heartless
Amazing
Love Lockdown
Paranoid
RoboCop
Street Lights
Bad News
See You In My Nightmares
Coldest Winter
Pinocchio Story
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Dark Fantasy
Gorgeous
POWER
All of the Lights (Interlude)
All of the Lights
Monster
So Appalled
Devil In A New Dress
Runaway
Hell Of A Life
Blame Game
Lost in the World
Who Will Survive in America
Watch the Throne
No Church in the Wild
Lift Off
Ni**as In Paris
Otis
Gotta Have It
New Day
That’s My Bitch
Welcome to the Jungle
Who Gon Stop Me
Murder To Excellence
Made In America
Why I Love You
Yeezus
On Sight
Black Skinhead
I Am a God
New Slaves
Hold My Liquor
I’m in It
Blood on the Leaves
Guilt Trip
Send It Up
Bound 2
The Life Of Pablo
Ultralight Beam
Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1
Pt. 2
Famous
Feedback
Low Lights
Highlights
Freestyle 4
I Love Kanye
Waves
FML
Real Friends
Wolves
Frank’s Track
Siiiiiiiiilver Surffffeeeeer Intermission
30 Hours
No More Parties In LA
Facts (Charlie Heat Version)
Fade
Saint Pablo
ye
I Thought About Killing You
Yikes
All Mine
Wouldn’t Leave
No Mistakes
Ghost Town
Violent Crimes
KIDS SEE GHOSTS
Feel The Love
Fire
4th Dimension
Freeee (Ghost Town Pt. 2)
Reborn
Kids See Ghosts
Cudi Montage
JESUS IS KING
Every Hour
Selah
Follow God
Closed On Sunday
On God
Everything We Need
Water
God Is
Hands On
Use This Gospel
Jesus Is Lord
Donda
Donda Chant
Jail
God Breathed
Off The Grid
Hurricane
Praise God
Jonah
Ok Ok
Junya
Believe What I Say
24
Remote Control
Moon
Heaven and Hell
Donda
Keep My Spirit Alive
Jesus Lord
New Again
Tell The Vision
Lord I Need You
Pure Souls
Come to Life
No Child Left Behind
Jail pt 2
Ok Ok pt 2
Junya pt 2
Jesus Lord pt 2

So, as a lot of us expected, a recent report says that the Spurs have interest in making a rather unusual move by their standards to pick up a second first-rounder in the draft next month, presumably to acquire a PG that they hope can start next to Victor Wembanyama for the next decade-plus. It’s an idea that had been gaining traction with fans even before the real whispers started because of how much sense it seemed to make - this is seen as a relatively deep draft, with a lot of intriguing options at a position of need that are currently being mocked in the mid-to-late lottery. I'm sure most people have seen plenty of discussion about it on this sub over the past few days, and in every thread, people are asking the smart first question: "Okay, but what would it take?"
There's a lot of things that factor into that answer, and I'm just some internet dork who watches and reads about and talks about and thinks about basketball too much so I obviously have no idea what kind of discussions GMs are actually having on that front. But I thought it would at least help to look at what the positions we'd presumably be targeting have brought back in trade in the past decade, and then try to approximate value with the Spurs' assets. Firstly, though...
Why would San Antonio do this?
There's two ways to answer that question, and the first is to look at it from the perspective of what the Spurs don't have: a long-term starting Point Guard. I like Tre Jones a lot - he's everything we could've hoped for as a second-round pick and then some - but he's not a player that's going to feasibly run the offense for a contending team. He'd make a fantastic backup, and the Spurs are obviously hoping that Sochan and Victor and to a lesser extent Branham evolve into above-average playmakers, especially as the organization makes strides to get closer to their positionless basketball philosophy. But I don't think any of that is going to supersede a desire to bring a more traditional lead guard into the fold, especially considering what the team does have.
And what San Antonio has right now is a lot of picks. Maybe not as many as OKC or Utah, but a lot nonetheless. Six first-rounders that aren't our own, to be exact, plus the swap rights to Atlanta's 2026 first-rounder and over twenty second-rounders. Simply put, I can guarantee you that the team won't be making all of those picks, because it's not smart roster building to be quite so overloaded with very young players when the idea is to start being competitive again. Having a lot of young talent with promise is a good problem to have until you hit the point of having so many mouths to feed that it starts stunting their development, and we're already looking at a potential slight roster crunch this year. As an example, the Pacers, who are arguably behind us in terms of the rebuilding process now since we won the Wemby sweepstakes, have 5 picks in this year's draft, 3 of them first-rounders, and Kevin Pritchard has already come out and said they're not making all of them. The Spurs, by comparison, could potentially have FIVE first-rounders in 2025 depending on league standings over the next couple years. Eventually, some of these picks will be used as a package to get one better pick or a star player. And there's a good argument that, if it's going to be the former, now is the time, because again, this is a strong draft.
So what specific assets do we have?
I'll go ahead and rank them in descending order by my perception of their value, excluding Wemby because he's obviously the most untouchable of untouchables.

• Sochan and Vassell: Very clearly big parts of this team moving forward and likely starters when our theoretical championship window opens
• Atlanta 2027 unprotected FRP: The Hawks are such a dumpster fire right now in some ways that this could easily end up being a Top 5 pick - notably, the last year of Trae's current contract is 2026-27
• Keldon Johnson: Anyone else tired of talking about him? I'll have a more in-depth look at why trading him might make sense later in this post, but he's still just 23 years old with room to grow and even with his deficiencies, he's got a lot of attractive qualities even if his long-term ceiling might be "good sixth man."
• Atlanta 2025 unprotected FRP
• Atlanta 2026 pick swap: There's an argument that this should be above the 2025 unprotected pick because the 2025 class is looking kinda rough and 2026 includes Cameron Boozer and Cooper Flagg, but ultimately having an extra pick in an individual future draft is, I think, more valuable than a swap because it allows for a move-up package
• Toronto 2024 FRP protected 1-6: Masai Ujiri and the Raptors are a little hard to read right now, even more than usual, but I think there's a good chance this could convey next year and still be in the top 10 somewhere.
• Zach Collins: A good starting center on a bad team or a very good backup center on a better team. He's got the Pop endorsement and trading him would leave our C rotation very light unless we've got something else cooking (not a good thing with Victor coming in), but I wouldn't want him to be the sticking point that holds up a potential good deal.
• Malaki Branham: I might be overrating him a bit here because I'm personally very high on Branham, but I think it's close enough. He's shown very promising flashes at the NBA level already, and if he can get more consistent from 3 it'll be very hard to stop him from scoring. Becoming even a passable defender on top of it would give him 6MOTY-level upside.
• Chicago 2025 FRP protected 1-10: I think Chicago's gonna be forced to blow it up soon. Multiple teams below them in the standings last year should be markedly improved already this season and they might even lose Vooch. So this may not convey for a while, if at all.
• Boston 2028 pick swap, protected for 1st overall: This is probably about even with the Chicago pick, really. Things can change quick in the NBA but I don't expect Boston to be bad for a while, and again, it's just a swap.
• Charlotte 2024 pick, lottery protected: This will almost definitely not convey next year. Maaaaybe in 2025, but I'm really starting to doubt LaMelo's ability to stay on the floor. And a pick outside of the lottery in a bad draft class won't be worth all that much.
• Blake Wesley: I've never been a Wesley believer and he didn't show anything last year to convince me I might be wrong, but maybe some team likes his upside enough that he could work as a sweetener.
• Doug McDermott: A knockdown perimeter movement shooter who isn't worth much on his own, but could be attractive as a veteran piece for a team that can't otherwise hit 3s.
• All of our 20+ SRPs

We also, again, have all of our own FRPs, but there's too many unknowns across the next couple years for me to try and predict their value. Suffice it to say that I wouldn't trade next year's under any circumstances, would only let go of 2025's if it was protected for the lottery, and would probably be willing to have talks about any of them in or after 2026.
Potential Trade Analysis
Before anything else, I want to be clear that I'm not advocating for all or even most of these trades. I'm simply doing my best to demonstrate what we might have to give up based on history.
And again, there are a lot of mitigating factors to these other recent trades. Draft class strength, roster makeup, financial situation, etc. - it's impossible to ever get 1-to-1 comparisons for something like this. But I think they work pretty well as rough examples.
Oh, and here's an aggregation of the current "professional" mock drafts out there in case anyone wants an idea of what prospects we'd be talking about in each position.
One last thing: When I'm talking about trades that have been made for these picks historically, I'm only including ones that were made between the lottery and draft day or on draft night specifically, since obviously the slots for future picks in other trades wouldn't have been known at the time of the deal.
Pick #5 (Detroit)

• 2018: DAL trades w/lightly-protected 2019 1st for pick 3 (the now-famous Luka/Trae trade)

PROPOSAL: This.
We don't have a great comparison point to open with here, but this feels about right to me. No one, media or fans, can agree on Keldon's trade value, and there's some teams I think he very much would not fit on, but I think it makes a lot of sense on Detroit’s end for the reasons Edwards laid out - he opens up a ton of options for the Pistons to experiment with assuming that they actually get a full year of Cade this season and, in the best-case scenario, can become a very good sixth man for them long-term. They really need a young wing, and after the gut punch of falling to #5 where they’re in the unenviable position of having to decide between a bunch of low-floor, high-ceiling guys, they might be tempted to take out the guesswork and go with someone who’s already shown what he can do for a couple years. I'll return to this comparison later, but if Detroit takes Cam Whitmore in this spot, for example, and he becomes what Keldon is now, I think they'd call it a successful pick.
MY EVALUATION: Spurs say no. I think Keldon has more value to SAS than anyone they could be targeting in this spot unless Amen Thompson is still there and the FO is supremely confident in him becoming a decent off-ball player.
Pick #6 (Orlando)

• 2013: NOP trades to PHI with protected 2014 first for Jrue Holiday and pick 42

PROPOSAL: SAS trades Devin Vassell, CHI 1st and pick 33 for picks 6 and 36
I’ve seen rumors that ORL might want to package this and their #11 pick to move up, but I don’t know where that comes from. Can’t see Charlotte taking a deal like that, Portland and allegedly Houston want immediate help instead of two more rookies, and the #5 from Detroit wouldn’t really be worth it from the Magic’s standpoint. Maybe they can send #6 and #11 plus Suggs to the Rockets? Either way, the Magic are another of those teams I was talking about earlier that already has a lot of young players that they want to get touches, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they move one of their two picks for something else.
Holiday was coming off an all-star season, and though Vassell is obviously not an all-star (at least not yet), I do think he's a pretty decent approximation of 2013 Jrue Holiday. Same age, and the best players on their respective teams. Good defense, good outside shot and still some room to grow as a self-creator. I think he was probably looking at some MIP votes last year if he hadn’t gotten hurt.
MY EVALUATION: Spurs say no, obviously. They're not trading Devin. I think they could theoretically get this slot just by giving up a big package of picks, but at that point the evaluation becomes too difficult to really be worth it for this exercise IMO.
Pick #7 (Indiana)

• 2017: MIN trades pick 7 with Kris Dunn and LaVine to CHI for Jimmy Butler and pick 16

Obviously there’s no real similar deal to be found here - if we had a Jimmy Butler we’d be in a wildly different situation in the first place. I could try to put together a big picks package, but IND is guaranteed a very promising prospect at this spot and, in my opinion, they have too many holes in their team right now (or at least a very large defense-shaped hole) to move it for futures when they're already looking at more picks than they want to make.
MY EVAULATION: They'd ask for Vassell and they won't get him; this pick won't be ours. Moving on.
Pick #8 (Washington)

• 2016: SAC trades to PHX for picks 13 and 28, a future 2, and rights to Bogdan Bogdanovic

PROPOSAL: SAS trades Malaki Branham, Tre Jones, TOR 1st, CHA 1st for pick 8 and Delon Wright
Here’s where things start getting a little interesting, because this is the first slot where I can see one of the presumptive primary targets for the Spurs enter the mix in Anthony Black. Indiana might give him a look if they really value his defense and versatility, but I think Walker and Hendricks are more likely directions. So that brings us to Washington. That organization makes my head hurt but I have a hard time seeing a universe where they don’t make this pick. Either they keep smashing their head against the wall of irrelevance or they finally decide to tear it down, and either way it doesn’t make much sense for this pick to find its way to us.
But if the Wizards were to trade this pick, I imagine it'd be because they’re getting a young and high-upside prospect who’s already shown legit NBA flashes in Branham, which they’re sorely lacking and could reasonably be thought of as equivalent to or probably even a little bit better than Bogdanovic in 2016. This also gets them an uber-reliable young backup PG that can be had for a few cheap years (something you'd be pretty happy to get with a #28 pick) and the Spurs take back Wright for salary purposes and to have a veteran PG option of their own, though it’s entirely possible WAS values Wright more highly anyway for defensive purposes.
MY EVALUATION: Both teams say no, although if we put Wesley in there instead of Branham I think things get interesting from the Spurs' point of view. You can never predict the Wizards, but I think Michael Winger would have to be given an offer they can’t refuse to tempt them not to just stay here and pick Black or Hendricks or Whitmore or whoever else has fallen to them. Reportedly, he has the blessing to finally rebuild if he so chooses, and it’s hard to see them not starting the process off here. Not for nothing, but Winger used to work under Presti.
I do wonder what would happen if the Spurs offered Keldon for this pick straight-up, though. If Kuzma leaves, the Washington wing situation suddenly looks completely ghastly. Returning to the "Whitmore-Johnson test," if the Wizards picked Cam up here and he turned into Keldon, I think they'd be quite pleased. Not "all-time draft victory" pleased, but a huge win for a team that's mangled their draft a couple times recently.
Pick #9 (Utah)

• 2013: MIN trades to UTA for picks 14 and 21

PROPOSAL: SAS trades CHA 1st and CHI 1st for pick 9
Pretty simple here. If a team thinks that Chicago pick will convey, late lottery seems like a reasonable place to expect it to land. If the Charlotte pick conveys, it'll be in that 15-20 range.
MY EVALUATION: Utah says no because there's a good chance those picks don't convey, because picks in future drafts are always treated as less valuable than those in the same draft, and because Ainge doesn't make trades when he's not fleecing the other team for all their worth. Also, Utah doesn't really need more future picks either.
You know what? That was boring. How about another option?
PROPOSAL: SAS trades Keldon for pick 9
The Ainge factor remains, but in a vacuum I do think this is pretty fair value straight up. Let’s talk about the SAS rotation for a minute assuming they do indeed make SOME trade for a PG prospect. Wemby and Vassell are starting, no question. Collins got the Pop endorsement at the end of last season, so he’s in there too. That leaves four players fighting for two starting spots: Keldon, Sochan, Tre Jones, and the newly drafted PG. Sochan started 53 of the 56 games he played last year, and with the excellent upside he has, I have a hard time imagining he’s not getting the nod at the 3; even if he’s not, he’ll be getting tons of minutes. I and others have supported the Point Sochan experiment, but if we’re bringing in a real PG, I doubt we’ll see a whole lot more of that and they certainly won’t start a Sochan/Vassell/Keldon/Wemby/Collins lineup. So Keldon’s probably sliding to the sixth man role. And that’s fine - if he has a role on this team when they’re ready to contend again, it’ll be that one - but trading a sixth man for the right to select the guy you theoretically think can be Victor’s running mate for a decade, especially when there’s plenty of other guys off the bench that you want to keep giving minutes to, is more than reasonable all things considered.
As far as UTA goes, they need a PG prospect all on their own but I think they can get Kobe Bufkin with their #16 pick and I kinda love the fit there for him. If you’re the Jazz, would you rather have Keldon and Bufkin or, say, Wallace and Leonard Miller? I don’t know the answer to that, but I think there’s at least a chance they’d prefer the latter, as even with a pretty lean roster I don’t know how badly they want to find playing time for three first rounders this year. Keldon and Markkanen don’t even step on each other’s toes in the UTA system, and though they’ll definitely continue the tank this year to avoid losing their 2024 pick, Keldon could easily still be around on a very team-friendly deal by the time they’re ready to start pushing for the playoffs again.
MY EVALUATION: Utah says no strictly because Ainge gonna Ainge. I'm not sure I'd do it if I was the Spurs, either, because injuries will happen and Victor might get more DNPs for load management this year than any of us want to see. But it’s a conversation worth having and I can’t say I’d be falling to my knees in an HEB if it happened on draft night.
Pick #10 (Dallas)

• 2018: PHI trades to PHX for pick 16 and a Miami first in 2021
• 2017: SAC trades to POR for picks 15 and 20
• 2014: PHI trades to ORL for pick 12, 2015 second, and 2017 first*

Strap in, this is a fun one.
PROPOSAL: This.
This is the pick in the lottery that I think is most likely to move, outside of maaaybe #3. That’s kind of awkward, because Dallas wants (needs) talent to help them win now and we don’t have much of that. Specifically, they need defense and a real starting center - if they can get both of those in one guy, so much the better. Keldon doesn’t move the needle for them IMO and we’re obviously not gonna give up Vassell at this slot. The OTHER thing Dallas needs, though, is something we do have in spades: cap room. Our old friend Davis Bertans has one of the worst contracts in the league for next season - $17m for a guy whose defense deficiencies make him unplayable - and while he only has $5m guaranteed in 2024, I think Dallas needs help right now to keep from running a real risk of fracturing their relationship with their best player since Dirk.
I think it’s POSSIBLE Dallas just trades this pick with Bertans and, say, McGee for, the TOR 1st + CHA 1st + a bucket of SRPs or something, then tries their luck in free agency (to go for Jakob or Brook etc.) before using their new draft capital to seek another trade if need be, but I think it’s more likely that we’d be looking at a full-on three-teamer here. There’s a lot of options there depending on which teams are panicking or not, and most of them I don’t find overly likely. Does Boston overreact and give up Robert Williams in a psychotic episode? Does Atlanta move Capela? Eh. Maybe, I guess, but I doubt it. How about Cleveland, though?
This is a pretty skeletal framework of what a deal could look like so don’t take it as absolute gospel. Three-team trades are often complicated enough that there could easily be a few more moving pieces were such a trade to happen.
MY EVALUATION: This could be a winner. I don’t think CLE has to trade Allen yet, but if they’re not exploring the option and asking themselves some tough questions about whether the pairing with Mobley is the real long-term answer after what happened against the Knicks, they’re not doing their job. THJ shot almost the same percentage on 3s as Caris Levert did last year on over three more attempts per game, and his defense, while not amazing by any means, is better than it gets credit for. Getting rid of Rubio also gives them a little extra salary to play with in free agency - it’s not much, and it’s not a great class, but I think there’s enough there for Cleveland to find a way to make themselves a better playoff team than they were last year. This also lets them recoup some draft capital that is basically nonexistent for them right now after the Mitchell trade.
On the Spurs side, even if Rubio is basically washed, he’s an incredibly smart and experienced PG who could do a lot to mentor the young guy that we’d be bringing in at the position, and if he needs to come in for a few minutes here and there to hold down the fort, that’s fine too - we’re not trying to be good yet. I’d be surprised if we don’t bring in a vet guard in some fashion this offseason regardless. Plus, we have to get to the salary floor before the season starts anyway; why not kill three birds with one stone on this trade?
Cleveland probably still says no. I don't know if they're quite ready to pull the plug on Allen. But I don't think it's that far off.
Pick #11 (Orlando)

• 2022: NYK trades to OKC for 3 protected first-rounders (DET (protected), WAS (protected), DEN, all 2023)
• 2018: CHA trades to LAC for pick 12 and two 2s
• 2016: ORL trades with Oladipo and Ilyasova to OKC in return for Ibaka

PROPOSAL: SAS trades TOR 1st, CHI 1st, and Doug McDermott for pick 11
Last year's trade is the easiest comparison to make on this list. Not perfect, still, but with the added context of what other trades in this range have brought back, I think it still works. The DET and WAS picks were fairly heavily protected (top 18 and lottery, respectively) and I don’t think it surprised anyone that the Nuggets pick is as late as it is, so despite it being three first rounders the overall value OKC traded wasn’t huge. Even with the Knicks having financial incentive to move off the pick, the package was pretty well in line with historical trades in this range. That said, I think people are viewing the talent around this slot higher than 2022’s at the time, so the offer might need to still be a tiny bit stronger. But one could reasonably argue the TOR pick alone is more valuable than anything else that's been given for this slot in the last 10 years.
Let's talk about the Magic a little more. Let’s say Orlando is pretty happy with what they’ve got right now, which I think they should be. Banchero was a very deserving ROTY, Franz is a bucket, and they’ve got a lot of promising supplemental pieces. They looked pretty dangerous at times last year, especially in the second half of the season when they were healthy. What they DON’T have is a lot of excess draft capital. They own Denver’s pick in 2025 which isn’t likely to be very valuable, and other than that they have only their own firsts. A trade like this allows them the chance to keep adding lottery talent into the future even if they expectedly become a consistent playoff team, and since they also have #6 this year they don’t even have to completely go without a shiny new rookie to do it. Doug is included because the return still felt a tad light to me and because Orlando was 25th in the league in 3PT% last year - it’ll help if they get a full season of Gary Harris, but if they want to make a strong run at the play-in, they might need a little more. Lots of mocks like them to take Gradey Dick here, and while McDermott obviously wouldn’t figure into their long term plans, if they’re making to look a little noise this year, McDermott is almost definitely giving them more than what Dick would as a rookie.
MY EVALUATION: This is my favorite slot to target and I think it's a fair trade for both teams. Orlando doesn't necessarily need to add two more lottery guys to their roster this year when they can conceivably make a push for the play-in with what they already have, even while still getting touches for their foundational pieces. The Spurs like McDermott and I'm sure would love to keep him around all else being equal, but I don't think they'd let him stand in the way of getting their PG of the future. It might take the CHA pick as well or maybe a bunch of seconds or something, but I think we have something here all things considered.
Pick #12 (Oklahoma City)

• 2016: ATL acquires from UTA in three-team trade (sends Jeff Teague to IND who sends George Hill to UTA)

Now this spot on the other hand... There's nothing to be done here. There’s nothing to be done here. Teague averaged 15pts and 6ast per game as a starter for 5 years in ATL with an all-star season in ‘15. Hill had slightly worse stats in 4 years as a starter in Indiana. Tre Jones plus the TOR 1st might be comparable value, but OKC doesn’t need a PG even at the backup position and they already have more future picks than they know what to do with. The scuttlebutt seems to be saying OKC will trade up if anything, which makes sense, and they certainly don’t need to do anything drastic after the improvement they showed last year and Holmgren still waiting in the wings. I’ve done plenty of looking for an angle on this pick and I just don’t see one. They’ve even got plenty of cap room and no bad salary to begin with. We’ll just move on.
Pick #13 (Toronto)

• 2022: CHA trades to NYK for a Denver 1st and four 2nds, who then trade to DET after the draft with Kemba for a Milwaukee 1st in 2025
• 2017: DEN trades to UTA for pick 24 and Trey Lyles
• 2013: DAL trades to BOS for pick 16 and two future seconds

This one needs some intro first. I have no idea what the Raps are planning to do and allegedly the team doesn’t either. Reportedly, Masai still thinks they have the ability to win now - I don’t know if that means actually winning a championship or just getting to the playoffs, but I think he’s wrong either way. Regardless, he’s such a bizarre trader that it feels impossible to predict what may or may not get a deal done. He overvalues his own players to an absurd degree, but he seems to do the same with Spurs players too. How we ever got a first rounder (that became Branham) for Thad Young and Drew Eubanks I’ll never know. So yeah, there’s certainly a recent history of swaps between us and them, one of which famously worked out amazingly and a couple others that very much didn’t.
Whatever direction Toronto does decide to go in, I think they’d be best served just making this pick. Keldon doesn’t make sense for them and we’re way past the part of the lottery where we’d even consider trading him anyway. But how about another direction?
PROPOSAL: SAS trades CHA 1st and pick 44, plus more future SRPs, and extends protection on 2024 TOR 1st to top-12 in 2024, top 10 in 2025. In return, SAS receives pick 13.
I wonder if something this simple gets it done. Maybe what we can best offer Toronto is flexibility. Maybe they carry this whole “I dunno” mentality into the season and then they’re a completely mediocre team at the trade deadline again staring down the barrel of a lost season where they probably still have to give up a pick to us that could easily fall into the 7-10 range. Would they give up #13 this year to ensure they can’t lose, say, pick #8 next year if their season falls apart? I don’t know, but maybe. With this offer, they even still get to make a couple other picks this year, and they’ve had success with late firsts and early seconds recently on drafts that looked a good deal thinner. Hell, looking at recent swaps for this slot, this even feels almost like an overpay - I think PATFO would have to be very sure about the guy they’re picking to give up a top-6 protected selection from a team in TOR’s current position.
This is the pick right now that I think is the most up in the air as far as availability - it could change dramatically over the next month depending on what sorts of conversations are happening in Raptors HQ. They could move up, they could move down, they could stand pat. I have no idea. It’s also the deal that I think has the most potential to come together extremely quickly on draft night; I could see Toronto having a couple specific guys in mind here and then scrambling to make a deal if they’re suddenly off the board.
MY EVALUATION: Raptors say no, but they think long and hard about it first.
Pick #14 (New Orleans)
Has not been traded in the last decade.
Sorry to end with a whimper, but yeah, I don’t see a deal to be made here. If they’re healthy they’ll be a team no one wants to see in the playoffs, and if they’re not, there’s nothing much they can do about it at this juncture. They’ve got plenty of future picks, they won’t want anyone on the SAS squad that we’d give up for pick 14, and there will absolutely be talent here that can help them immediately; they’re keeping this. I GUESS they might look for someone to dump Valanciunas in favor of one of the free agent Centers, but that would be kinda risky on their part and they’d probably want a return that’s less abstract than just the cap room and a few second rounders or whatever.
JUST-FOR-FUN PROPOSAL: This hilariousness.
I expect PHX to have better offers on the table for Ayton, but after his disappearing act in the playoffs I wouldn’t say it’s a certainty. Maybe they’re so tired of him that this feels like an okay return, and maybe New Orleans thinks they can unlock whatever potential might be left. This also gets the Spurs the veteran C they reportedly want; JoVal isn’t exactly an elite rim protector but he’s a heck of a rebounder and can stretch the floor on the other end.
Like I said, though, this is just for kicks anyway for the people who want a wild idea; I don’t think the Pels want Ayton and I don’t think they should.
MY EVALUATION: New Orleans says no because they're not insane and Phoenix probably does too. But it was a fun time in the trade machine.
So, just to recap...

• Picks I can’t see us getting: 6-8, 12, 14
• Probably not, but I could believe it: 5, 9, 13
• Sweet spot: 10 and 11

Pick #11 is the one I’d spend most of my time going after on the phone if I was an executive. #10 has its merits, especially because I personally like the Rubio idea a lot, but we can get a Cory Joseph or George Hill in free agency just as easily to fill that role, and the larger problem is that we’re already going to be dealing with a roster crunch that Bertans and/or McGee would exacerbate. #11 could end up costing nothing but picks that we have an excess, plus maybe McDermott, who we were perfectly willing to move at the deadline anyway and who would actually open up one of those valuable roster spots as well. I also don’t think there’s much danger in Dallas taking the guy we want if he is still on the board at 10.
Again, don’t take my proposals as any kind of hard offers; several of them I wouldn’t even support myself, as you can see. This is just meant as a quick-and-dirty (well, at least dirty) reference for what kind of value we might be looking at in these discussions.

We’re in a very interesting spot with picks at 21 and 22. As many have noted before it seems to be right in Marks’s sweet spot draft-wise (Levert at 20, Allen at 22, Cam T at 27 being notable hits).
However picking in the early 20s means all of the “sure thing” prospects are long gone, and players on the board typically fall into one of two camps:
“Low Floor, High Ceiling” younger, raw, toolsy and athletic prospects. They may have struggled/underperformed in college or come off the bench. If international they may have played in a lesser league or have an undeveloped offensive game. Guys like this: GG Jackson, Dariq Whithead, Derek Lively, Rayan Rupert, Bilal Coulibaly
“High Floor, Low Ceiling” older prospects that may be more of a finished project - an upperclassman in college, contributed to winning basketball at a high level and with developed skillsets, but perhaps limited in athleticism and upside. Would likely project as a role player on the Nets. Guys like this: Kris Murray, Colby Jones, Jaime Jaquez, Marcus Sasser
As we all know the Nets are rebuilding. We may (or may not) have a franchise player in Mikal Bridges, and it is unclear how close we are to contending again. With these two picks, would you rather take the chance on a young raw prospect turning into a superstar (or a bust), or go after a player you know can contribute to winning and could turn into a key role player on a championship team?
I think it’s also important to note that the common perception of upperclassman draftees having “low ceilings” is frequently disproven - our own Bridges and Cam J are evidence of older prospects developing beyond their initial projection. Claxton on the other hand is an example of a raw toolsy prospect putting it all together. Marks himself doesn’t seem to have a strong preference, having drafted both upperclassmen (Levert) and plenty of one and done/young prospects (Allen, Musa, Clax, Cam T, Sharpe). Just curious as to what you all think as this upcoming draft will say a lot about how they view this roster going forward. With two picks I’d expect one draft pick from each category but for the sake of the poll choose only one.
Ultimately the question boils down to: how much do you trust our coaching staff to develop? How close are we really to contending again? We obviously can’t answer those but I’m curious what people here think.
View Poll

Microplastics, climate denial, contagious skin fungus, warlords, record temperatures, and wheat troubles. This is starting to get serious.
Last Week in Collapse: May 21-27, 2023
This is Last Week in Collapse, a weekly newsletter bringing together some of the most important, timely, useful, depressing, ironic, amazing, or otherwise must-see moments in Collapse.
This is the 73rd newsletter. Sorry it’s a bit later than usual. You can find the May 14-20 edition here if you missed it last week. These newsletters are also on Substack if you want them sent to your email inbox every Sunday.
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Climate and soil scientists are warning that Europe’s soil won’t be able to absorb as much water now, after a season of terrible drought. The feedback loops spell disaster for the continent’s ability to weather the coming drought. France has given up aiming for just a 1.5 °C temperature increase, and are preparing for 4 °C rise by 2100. Scientists claim we are heading for total disaster, but the rest of the world apparently has bigger problems.
The world is allegedly on track for 2.7 °C of warming, and some experts predict that about one billion humans may be forced to migrate as a result of global warming, sea level rise, etc. Iraq is one such location, and countless migrants have already fled. On Twitter, climate scientists report seeing more hostility and climate denial.
Category 5 Typhoon Mawar blasted Guam, and took out electricity, but no humans were killed on the island. In Somalia, over one million people were displaced by drought within the last 4 months.
A ship’s draft/draught) is the distance between its waterline and the bottom of its keel/hull. This determines a ship’s displacement; the heavier a ship’s cargo, the greater its draft will be. The Panama Canal is reducing the allowed vessel draft because they didn’t receive enough rain in the last few months and cannot fully fill the Canal’s locks. As a result, more ships will be forced to make the long journey around Cape Horn—or load up with less cargo to transit the Canal. The supply chain feedback loops are compounding.
Chad saw its highest May temperature last week—47 °C (117 °F), and part of Samoa tied a new May temperature too—34.8 °C (101 °F) . New record temperatures in Southeast Asia again. The ocean around the Cayman Islands has hit 30 °C earlier than any previous year. The average sea surface temperature has been breaking daily records for every day for over two months.
Experts are warning that a heat wave would devastate Phoenix, Arizona, if it knocked out the power grid. Up to 800,000 people (half the population) would allegedly require emergency medical attention for heat stroke, etc. The study concluded that about 12,800 people would die as a result.
Although most of the world is warming, the upper atmosphere is cooling down, forcing scientists and generals to consider its potential impact on satellites and on our sensitive weather patterns. Temperatures beyond roughly 50km out in the atmosphere have been cooled by CO2 levels. Concrete implications from the study are unclear.
About 5,000 Congolese are still missing weeks after catastrophic flooding. Wildfire risk is increasing in Sweden. Heat wave alerts in Sri Lanka.
A study has claimed—again—that species are going extinct even faster than expected. About half of surveyed species have seen population declines recently (especially in the tropics), while 49% are holding relatively steady.
One species at risk of dieoff is the black sea urchin off the coast of Israel—and their dieoff hold grim implications for the health of coral in the Red Sea.
Tick season has begun, and researchers are worried that they can transfer prions from white-tailed deer to humans. Chronic wasting disease has not yet afflicted humans, though it exists in growing quantities among Canadian cervids.
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The danger from fungi is growing as a result of climate change, and the rise of Candida Auris—and a resistant, contagious skin fungus coming out of India—in the U.S. is alarming epidemiologists. The combination of compromised immune systems (from COVID, increased diabetes), climate change, distrust of health entities, health insurance problems, and healthcare worker collapse are creating a terrible convergence of circumstances.
Over 5,000 new species have been discovered in the ocean between Hawai’i and Mexico—and in two months, applications will be accepted to begin deep-sea mining extraction operations in the region. Meanwhile, Shell shareholders rejected attempts to accept new emissions targets, 80% to 20%.
German police are looking into classifying “Last Generation” climate activists as part of a criminal group, amid raids targeting the traffic-stopping activists.
Greenpeace claims that recycled plastic can be more toxic than first-use plastic—but don’t worry, only 9% of plastic is recycled worldwide. A study from Hazardous Materials Advances concluded that recycling plastics produces large amounts of microplastics which later contaminate our land, water, and even air.
The U.S. Supreme Court limited the scope of the Clean Water Act, to exclude certain types of wetlands. This opens up some wetlands to nearby development and pollution.
Some Kansas wheat farmers suffered so much drought and cold snaps that they are abandoning their crops. Across the country, one third of winter-wheat acres are being abandoned, the highest percent in over 100 years. Utah’s Great Salt Lake is drying up, and strong winds are blowing dust, sometimes containing heavy metals.
Locusts in Afghanistan are threatening the coming wheat harvests in an already famine-stricken land. Argentina will face a similar problem if they don’t get rain within a few weeks.
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South Africa is suffering from 33% unemployment and devastating, 10-hour load-shedding (routine power outages) every day. A senior politician is warning that the crumbling nation could become a failed state soon. Power grid troubles are expected to escalate later this winter, by August.
A teenage girl in Guyana set fire to her dorm and unintentionally killed 19 people—because her cell phone was confiscated. What will society do when their water and human rights are confiscated?
Russia is supposedly considering an export ban on gasoline, in an attempt to better control supply & prices within its own territory. Qatar warned Europe that they haven’t seen the worst of the petrol/energy crisis yet.
Global demand for goods is reportedly sinking, and the production of shipping containers is down. More and more Americans are struggling to pay bills as inflation rises. Germany is officially in recession now. South Africa’s interest rates are at a 14-year high.
Some experts are concerned that China may overtake the U.S. with AI development. Others are concerned about the implications of an AI future dominated by the United States. Experts are calling for regulation of AI before it destroys humans.
Cambodia’s ruling party is keeping the opposition party off the ballots in this July’s elections.
The ceasefire in Khartoum is largely holding, but sporadic violence by fighters threatens the fragile “peace” in the city. Once a War “begins,” what role do the civilians have in re-instituting peace—or keeping the conflict going?
The head of the Wagner Group is warning of revolution in Russia, a portent that may also be a threat. The mercenary group is currently handing over Bakhmut to the Russian Army, and claims that about 20,000 Wagner soldiers died taking the city. Meanwhile, a pro-Ukrainian group of ethnic-Russian soldiers made attacks inside Russian territory, and soon withdrew back into Ukraine.
Russia’s former President and PM claimed that this War could last for decades. Yet certain unspecified NATO member states will give F-16 fighter jets to Ukraine, and train about 20 Ukrainian pilots, in an effort to force an earlier conclusion. Yet their impact may not be decisive on the battlefield.
Seven U.S. states agreed on a three-year water-sharing compromise over the Colorado River’s water; whether the pact will hold when the Dust Bowl 2.0 begins is up in the air. Meanwhile, troops from Afghanistan and Iran exchanged machine gun fire and some mortars, over water rights in the Helmand River.
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Things to watch for next week include:
↠ It’s that time of the year again. American politicians posture over raising the debt ceiling, a massive political/economic struggle that usually ends with a last-minute compromise or a short government shutdown. The U.S. is set to default on its debt on June 1st, which would damage trust and cause market bedlam. What’s it gonna be this time?
↠ Uruguay’s capital, Montevideo, is rapidly running out of water. The city’s main reservoir only had 10 days left of water—5 days ago. So the city’s supply is set to be exhausted by next Friday. How will the government react—and what will the people do? This might be a signal of what lies ahead for the rest of us.
Select comments/threads from the subreddit last week suggest:
-China will be getting 65M COVID cases—every week—if you believe the claims made in this thread and its sources, which include the Chinese government. The world’s second-most-populous nation, once the last bastion against COVID, has resigned to letting rolling waves of coronavirus repeatedly infect the masses. So it goes.
-Some rich countries will fare very poorly in Collapse, judging by the comments on this thread. Do you see your nation among them?
-Climate change may be worse than you think, says a thread and its comments. Even some doomers will be taken aback by the speed and scale of the damage ahead. What are you doing to prepare?
Have any feedback, questions, comments, resources, Collapse tattoos, recipes, aches or pains, spam mail, etc.? Consider joining the Last Week in Collapse SubStack if you don’t want to check collapse every Sunday, you can get this newsletter sent to your email inbox every weekend. I always forget something... What did I miss this week?

Melinda and the Little Green Men
by Andrew Roller
Melinda and the Little Green Men
Table of Contents
Chapter One - A Sad End
Chapter Two - A Castle for a Queen
Chapter Three - Incommodious
Chapter Four - The Sewer Room
Chapter Five - The Teleport Threat
Chapter Six - Neverwhere
Chapter Seven - Permanent Perigee
Chapter Eight - Losers Welcome ( Especially )
Chapter Nine - Buried Alive
Chapter Ten - Gone Away
Chapter Eleven - Dead Broke
Chapter Twelve - Grave’s End
Chapter Thirteen - Audition
Chapter Fourteen - Heavenly Flush
Chapter Fifteen - Coffined
Chapter Sixteen - The Big Bang
Chapter Seventeen - A Sucky Day
Chapter Eighteen - Examination
Chapter Nineteen - Expelled
Chapter Twenty - Enslaved
Chapter Twenty-One - The Bugler
Chapter Twenty-Two - The Gates of Salvation
Chapter Twenty-Three - The Amateur Genius
Chapter Twenty-Four - Pooper’s Paradise
Chapter Twenty-Five - Eisegesis
Melinda and the Little Green Men
by Andrew Roller
Chapter One - A Sad End
It was their last day on earth. The two girls, playing in the field in their suburban neighborhood, didn’t know this. If Melinda and Emily were ever to return to earth, it wouldn’t be for a very long time.
Melinda was ten years old. I could say that she looked “striking”. Or I could use some other politically correct term. In fact, she was very lovely. Her lank, flaxen hair fell to her slim waist. A white string bikini clung to her svelte figure.
Emily was seven years old. Her short red hair fell to her shoulders. Stout, she resembled a girl version of Winnie-the-Pooh. Emily wore a one-piece floral print swimsuit. Both girls had on rubber flip-flops.
Emily was clever. Though she was only seven years old, she wore a red fireman’s hat with the number “21” printed on it. Emily hoped that her hat would fool people into believing that she was older, or even that she was a fireman.
On this bright sunny day, something flashed in the sky. Both girls saw the silvery disc as it caught the sunlight. Emily was quick to figure out what it was.
“It’s a flying saucer!” Emily said. Melinda, who was taller than Emily, watched it with her friend. The saucer sailed over the neighborhood. As it approached, the girls saw it clearly. It had a flat circular base, and a domed top. A line of porthole-like windows encircled the lower part of the dome. There was a front-facing windshield.
The saucer, and its shadow, skimmed over the field. The saucer’s shadow briefly engulfed the girls. Then the saucer passed over a treeline. It settled into tree-dotted scrubland. From that place came a sound of snapping tree limbs, and of brush being crushed. Silence followed.
“Let’s go!” Emily urged. Both girls wanted a closer look at the flying saucer. It was unimaginable that such an object could land in their neighborhood! The girls had no idea that they would soon be swept up in an ongoing galactic war. They rushed into the treeline. Then Melinda and Emily crept into the shady brush beyond.
The saucer was there. It stood on metal legs, hulking amid the surrounding trees. An electrical hum, like that put out by high tension wires, came softly from the saucer’s smooth hull.
An airlock opened in the side of the saucer. A stair-equipped gangplank descended. Then, as Melinda and Emily watched, a line of little green men came down the gangplank. The men were about as tall as the girls. They were carrying a pink worm. It was a big worm, as big as a little green man.
The men laid their worm down on the grass. The last men in the group had brought shovels. The shortest of the little green men was in charge of the men. Named Chirpley, he set several men to work digging a hole.
Emily crept forward. Melinda tried to stop her, but decided to accompany her. The little green men saw the girls. There was a mutual cry of surprise from both parties. The men stopped their digging. Emily asked what they were doing.
“We’re digging a grave,” Chirpley answered. He and the other men stood with solemn faces. Emily, who sometimes went fishing, said that it was odd to bury a worm. She only dug worms out of the earth.
Chirpley stood straighter. He, like his fellows, had a round head. Two green antennae stuck out of the top of his head. He was without clothing, except for a white loincloth that, being puffy and full, resembled diapers. Chirpley wore white gloves. On his small feet were big, rhinestone-studded cowboy boots.
“This is no ordinary worm!” Chirpley told the girls. “It’s our queen!”
“Except she’s dead now,” a second little green man said. He looked much like Chirpley, with a round head and antennae. He wore a loincloth, gloves, and cowboy boots.
“She was a very old queen,” a third little green man said.
“So, since she’s dead, we must bury her,” a fourth little green man said. There were, in all, a dozen of them.
“Stand aside!” Chirpley told the girls. It didn’t matter that the girls were already at a distance from the dead worm. Chirpley rarely missed a chance to look important. Even in front of little Earth girls.
The little green men dug their grave. Or, rather, a few of them did, while the others watched this with Melinda and Emily. Chirpley supervised.
The dead queen was buried. The little green men had just filled in her grave when someone, off in the trees, yelled,
“Attack!” Stones and handfuls of dirt flew from the treeline. Several little green men were hit by the stones. A stone banged off of Emily’s Fire hat. She and Melinda screamed. So did the little green men. The men ran back aboard their flying saucer and, as neighborhood boys whooped and hollered, and threw more dirt and stones, Melinda and Emily followed the men.
No sooner had the green men and the girls rushed into the saucer, than something came out of it. Two somethings, in fact. They were grotesque. Ghosts, they resembled white sheets torn by the wind from a clothesline.
The boys charged from the trees. They were attacking through the shady brush when the ghosts set upon them.
“OOOOOO!” the ghosts howled. The boys screamed in terror. They fled back into the trees, and into the field.
The saucer hummed more loudly. Its gangplank retracted. Just before the ship buttoned itself up, the ghosts zipped back inside of it. The saucer whisked into the sky. It disappeared beyond the clouds.
Within the saucer, Melinda and Emily cringed before the ghosts. These hung over them, looking horrid. The ghosts had blank, bulging eyes, and gaping mouths with fangs. They had scared the boys, and were now scaring the girls. To the little green men, they were damn annoying.
“Our spaceship’s haunted,” Gauss apologized. He was one of the men. He and several of his crewmates, though dressed like the others, also wore utility belts.
“But we got it at a discount,” a fellow crewman said. The green men stood with the girls on the saucer’s bridge. To one side was the closed airlock. To the right, and to the rear, the bridge opened onto other rooms.
The saucer was named “Regoob”. Compared to a military cruiser, it was a little ship. Yet Regoob was plenty roomy. Its many spaces held a number of unwanted passengers. But these occupants were mostly small, and furtive, unlike the two hovering ghosts.
One occupant was big. He was a worm, like the men’s dead queen. He slithered about in the saucer’s recesses. Except now. Curious about the girls, this worm peered from a shadowed corridor. Then, he did the one thing that he was known for, and named for. He farted.
“Farrrrrrrrt!” It was a big, smelly fart. Both girls clutched their little noses. The little green men did the same. The ghosts, who had been so hideously maleficent, fled. An embarrassed Fartley slipped away into the ship.
“Peeyou!” Emily cried. Melinda echoed her. The girls made for the airlock. That’s when they realized that Regoob was airborne. In fact, the little saucer was far beyond the Earth.
“We’d better go home,” Melinda said. Emily wasn’t so sure. The saucer’s pilot’s seat, before its dashboard and its windshield, struck her as inviting.
“Can I drive?” she asked. Since no one was, at the moment, controlling where the saucer went, she figured she might try.
That’s when Gauss saw the Moon approaching. It was approaching fast. He gave a cry of alarm. The other men, now seeing what he saw, gave panicked yells.
Emily jumped into the pilot’s chair. Grabbing the saucer’s yoke, she steered the ship clear of the Moon.
“Hooray!” the little green men yelled, with Melinda. Emily continued to fly the speeding saucer. Gauss gave her driving tips.
Soon, the ship was approaching Jupiter. As anyone who’s watched the film “2001: A Space Odyssey” knows, or even the film, “Starship Poopers”, Jupiter is no ordinary planet. It’s a gateway to other parts of the galaxy.
Emily couldn’t resist flying through a galactic gateway. Regoob sped toward Jupiter. The planet soon filled Regoob’s windshield.
Within Jupiter’s clouds was a bright oval. This wasn’t Jupiter’s red spot, but a metal doughnut. This doughnut, however, was slender. It was dotted by circular lights.
“Head for the center!” Gauss said to Emily. She did. Regoob shot through the slim doughnut and into hyperspace.
A kaleidoscope of colors streaked past Regoob. They were very pretty. The girls remarked upon them as Regoob tunneled through our galaxy.
The little saucer popped from hyperspace. It sailed among the ordinary stars again. Ahead was a ringed planet.
“That’s Quigley!” Zolna, one of the little green men, told the girls.
“We live there, in a castle.” Gauss said.
“A castle!” Melinda was impressed.
“Does your castle have a fireman?” Emily asked. The answer was “no”. So Emily, who was now Regoob’s pilot, asked to be the men’s fireman as well. The men agreed.
This left Melinda wondering what she could be. Before dinner, of course, since she still hoped to get home soon.
“You can be our queen!” Zolna told her.
“I’ll be the princess!” Emily said. She was still intent, too, on being the men’s fireman and pilot.
“I’m the king!” Chirpley said. This brought Fartley-like noises from the other men. So Chirpley settled on being what he already was, the men’s captain.
Somewhere in the ship, Fartley ensured his place in this little world, by farting.
Quigley loomed. Space traffic was flowing toward the purple planet. Quigley was belted by shimmering rings. But their colors clashed. Melinda remarked on this.
“It’s better than having no rings at all, like Earth,” Chirpley riposted. He did not mention that planet Quigley lacked a moon.
Emily followed the space traffic into Quigley’s atmosphere. There, the ships scattered to their destinations. Emily, directed by Gauss, flew over a city. Its buildings, compared to those on Earth, were outlandishly shaped. Beyond the city lay a beach community. And then, shining to the sunlit horizon, was a lavender sea.
“Land there,” Gauss told Emily. He meant the far side of the beach community, near the seashore. Emily put the saucer down in a patch of sand.
Regoob stood upon its metal legs amid other parked spaceships. Makeshift buildings were also neighbors to to Regoob. No castle was in sight. The sea lay near.
Chapter Two - A Castle for a Queen
Zolna opened the airlock. Its gangplank lowered, and the men and the girls disembarked. The hour was noon. It was hot. There was a salt tang in the air and, in the distance, the waves could be heard as they broke along the shore.
Chirpley led the party along a sandy trail. It wound between the spaceships and the homes. Hofsted, the fattest of the little green men, waddled at the file’s rear. He complained about leaving the ship.
“We’ll be at our castle soon,” Chirpley said.
The beach community slumbered in the seaside air. There were odd odors. These smells, of cooking food, caused Hofsted to say he was hungry. The men ignored him. A seagull sailed overhead.
Creatures gazed here and there from the spaceships and from the homes. Their alien faces startled Melinda and Emily. It was as if they’d wandered into a back lot on Star Wars, full of extras in outlandish costumes! Some of the aliens were surprised to see the girls.
“What are Earthlings doing here?!” an alien asked.
“There goes the neighborhood,” an alien, observing the girls, lamented.
Chirpley heard this.
“Commoners!” he riposted, to his alien neighbors. “Show some respect for royalty!” Melinda realized that Chirpley meant her, and Emily. She blushed. As for Emily, she trotted along with a self-confident look. She’d piloted a flying saucer, and now she was the inheritor of Luke Skywalker’s realm. Plus she was a fireman, and a princess. This was a fine day!
The trail led onto the beach. It was mostly vacant on this weekday, with a few bathers and seagulls. Chirpley indicated a large sculpted heap of sand on the shore. It stood just above where the inrolling sea boiled.
“There it is!” he said. He and his crewmates beamed at Melinda and Emily.
The men had built a big sand castle. It had some attractive towers, a wall and a moat. Several small flags, in various colors, decorated the edifice. An old door lay across the moat. It gave access to a hole in the ground, that the castle enclosed.
Emily was entranced. When the men invited her to come inside, meaning down into the hole, she agreed. Melinda cautiously accompanied them. As she did, she seemed to hear her name on the wind. But she saw nothing unusual, besides the bathing aliens and the seagulls.
Zolna led the group into the hole. He did so with a flashlight. Several other men lit flashlights too, as the group entered the hole.
The hole had a stone staircase. It had been carved by time, and by an intelligent hand. Sand dusted or clung to some of the steps. So did seaweed and seashells. These also cluttered the floor of the cave that the stairs led down into. An old stove sat in the cave.
“This is Mr. Lehman’s cave,” Zolna told Melinda and Emily.
“We used to be his gardeners,” Hofsted said proudly.
“Gardners?” Melinda asked. She saw only stone, and the oceans’s detritus.
“It was an easy job,” Hofsted admitted.
“He’s a sailor,” Chirpley said.
“But he’s disappeared,” Gauss added. “We don’t see him anymore.”
“That’s too bad,” Melinda said.
An apparition appeared on the stairs, near the lowest step. Melinda yelped. Emily gave a gasp of surprise, and the men gave startled cries.
“Melinda,” the ghostly figure said. It resolved itself as a tall, slender boy.
“You’re human!” Emily gasped. The boy’s image remained streaked with transmission lines, as if it were being beamed into the cave from far away.
“Quiet!” the boy snapped at Emily. She gasped anew. So did Melinda, and the others
“You’re my bride,” the boy told Melinda. The bikini-clad girl shrieked.
“I’m King Kleigowski,” the boy said. “From Earth, of course. My galactic fleet will arrive in a moment. Stay here as it attacks. Then, I will land, and we’ll be married,” the boy said to Melinda.
Seawater spilled down the stairs. The boy’s image vanished.
“My God!” Melinda gasped.
“She’s not marrying you!” Emily, finding her courage, told the place on the stairs where the boy’s image had been.
More seawater came down the stairs.
“We’d better go,” Zolna said. “The cave floods at high tide.”
Emily scrambled up the stairs with Melinda. The men followed. The tide was boiling about the castle. In the clear sky above, thunder sounded. Then sirens began to wail in the distance. Kevin Kleigowski, who had been terrorizing the galaxy’s far side for some time, was now attacking Planet Quigley!
Melinda and Emily ran with the men from the beach. They headed back to Regoob. All about them, the beach community was coming alive to the danger that thundered above. A battle was underway in the sky.
Melinda and Emily ran up the gangplank into Regoob. As the crew came in after them, a seagull flew into the ship. Emily reclaimed her place in the pilot’s seat.
Regoob took off. Other spaceships were beginning to rise from the land too. Suddenly, a transmission forced itself onto a television screen on Regoob’s dashboard. A man in a military uniform issued a warning. His insignia showed that he was a Quiglian general.
“Attention all civilians!” the general warned. “We’re under attack! Do not leave Planet Quigley! All civilian spaceships are grounded!”
“We’d better land,” Hofsted said.
“Ignore that!” Chirpley shouted.
“But—“ Melinda gasped. Emily flew stolidly higher.
“We’re soldiers!” Chirpley said.
“We’re volunteer lifeguards,” Zolna said.
“Good enough!” Chirpley retorted.
The saucer was now climbing at an eye-popping speed. It cleared the clouds, and the sunlit sky. The starry cosmos opened before it. The ship sped toward the nearest ship in the Quiglian fleet. The Quiglians were locked in a battle with King Kleigowski’s ships.
As Regoob closed on the big Quiglian cruiser, the general reappeared on the saucer’s dashboard T.V.
“Stop!” the general ordered.
Chirpley drew himself up to his full, diminutive height.
“Sir!” he told the general, with an irked look. “I am Chirpley Superlapee.” To Emily, Chirpley said, “Full speed ahead!” Then, for effect, he added, “Don’t shoot ‘till you see the whites of the their eyes.” Since he was sounding very important, Chirpley added, “Your money or your life!”
The saucer rushed at the cruiser. As it loomed, Emily began to think that going full speed ahead might not be a good idea.
Then she realized that they were too close to the cruiser to stop! As a collision became obvious, she leapt from the pilot’s seat.
“Duck!” Emily called to Melinda. Samuel, the seagull who’d flown into the ship, drew himself up to his full, diminutive height. He did so on the floor, where he’d settled by Melinda’s feet.
“I, Miss, am not a duck! I’m a sea-“ Samuel began.
Melinda felt a sudden tingling wash over her. She was standing somewhere else, if still beside Samuel, as the bird finished giving his species.
“-gull,” Samuel said.
They were all someplace else. That is, the girls, the men, and whatever else that had been on the saucer’s bridge, was now in a jail cell. The jail’s front wall and it’s door consisted of iron bars. A heavy white mist clung to the jail’s ceiling.
The saucer was nowhere to be seen. But there was a low hum, that is common to spaceships.
A tall boy came to the cell’s door. Melinda gasped. So did Emily, as cries came from the men.
“It’s that boy!” Melinda yelped, alarmed, to cries of alarm from her cellmates. She cringed. So did Emily, and the others.
“Call me Kevin,” the boy said. He grinned at Melinda. “You’re lucky I’m around. Your little friend ( he meant Emily ) crashed your saucer into a Quiglian cruiser.”
“I’m not marrying you!” Melinda said.
“Me neither!” Emily said.
“Me neither!” Hofsted said.
Kevin laughed.
“You’d better let me do the thinking,” he told Melinda. “My teleport ray couldn’t reach you on planet Quigley. You were too far away. So I told you to stay. And what did you do?” He grinned, and not pleasantly. “You fled, of course, directly toward me!”
As Kevin spoke, the mist coalesced. Suddenly, it was no longer a mist, but a pair of fanged, bulging-eyed ghosts!
“OOOOOO!” the ghosts howled, at Kevin. The boy ran shrieking out of the jail cell. A moment later, tingling engulfed Melinda. Everyone else in the cell was caught in the same sensation. Then, as suddenly as they’d arrived, the captives all disappeared from the jail cell.
Chapter Three - Incommodious
Melinda sat on the floor. Her head rested against a tiled wall. A sink was above it. Around her, in disorder, lay a number of little green men. Emily sat nearby. Samuel, lying near Emily, righted himself. He flew up and about in a mist that floated along the bathroom ceiling.
They’d been teleported again.
“Where are we now?!” Emily asked.
“I’m in a toilet!” Chirpley shouted, from a bathroom stall. “Help!”
The men and the girls gathered themselves. Some of the men, being teleported to the bathroom, had landed in toilet stalls. Chirpley hadn’t just wound up in a stall. He’d been planted with such force into a toilet that his bottom was stuck in the hole at its base. Toilet water surrounded his semi-submerged figure. He gazed helplessly from the commode.
“Don’t flush it!” Chirpley cried, of his toilet, as the girls and some crewmen piled into his stall. The group couldn’t help laughing. Chirpley, however, didn’t laugh. Being stuck in a toilet was not his idea of a good time,
Emily and the crew pulled Chirpley out of the toilet. He was unhurt. His body was wet in places. His diaper-like loincloth was soaked.
A woman screamed. Shouts came from the men who hadn’t crammed themselves into Chirpley’s stall.
Kevin had teleported his captives from his spaceship to a Quiglian one. Specifically, he’d teleported his captives into a ladies’ bathroom aboard the Quiglian ship.
“Eeeeek!” the woman visitor screamed. “There are men in the bathroom! In the ladies’ bathroom!” Soldiers arrived. When they learned that the men in the women’s bathroom had also crashed their saucer into the Quiglian ship, they arrested them. Chirpley and his crew were brought before General Grouchley. They were accompanied by Melinda and Emily.
General Grouchley commanded the Quiglian fleet. His flagship was called The Drut. It was this that Regoob had crashed into.
George Grouchley was big, fat and green. His uniform strained to contain him. It was he who had grounded all of Quigley’s civilian ships, and who’d ordered Regoob to stop. It was he whom Chirpley had disobeyed.
Chirpley stood to attention before General Grouchley. He did so with wet pants, from the toilet. Gathered behind Chirpley was his crew, and the girls. The volunteer lifeguard saluted the general. This did not improve George’s mood.
“I understand you were in the ladies’ bathroom,” George said to Chirpley.
“Yes, sir,” Chirpley answered. “I was stuck in a toilet.”
“Your saucer crashed into my ship!” George told Chirpley.
“Yes, Sir,” the volunteer lifeguard replied. Emily slipped partly behind Melinda, to escape the general’s eyes.
“We’ll need a new ship,” Chirpley told George. “To continue our noble fight against King Kleigowski.”
“Kleigowski’s fleet is in full retreat!” George told Chirpley. “I’m not sure what happened. One minute they were attacking, the next — they were fleeing!”
“I may know why - “ Chirpley said.
“Obviously, I’m an even better general than I knew,” George concluded. He eyed Chirpley. “Get your stinky saucer out of my ship! And stay out of the ladies’ bathroom!”
“Yes, Sir,” Chirpley replied.
Several women came screaming into the general’s presence.
“Help!” the women shouted. “Our bathroom is haunted!”
Chapter Four - The Sewer Room
Regoob had smashed through a large glass panel in the hull of The Drut, near its stern. Doing so, Regoob had plunged itself into a big cesspool. Much of the cesspool’s contents had emptied into outer space. This left the saucer at the bottom of the big cesspool, in such sludge as remained. The cesspool stank.
Repair ships had plugged the hole in The Drut’s hull. The big, open cesspool was in The Drut’s sewer room. This was a big, high-ceilinged room, with a crane. As Regoob’s crew arrived, along with the girls, the crane lifted Regoob out of the cesspool. It plopped the saucer, with a clang, onto the sewer room’s floor. A work crew gathered about the stinky craft.
Chirpley strode up to the work crew.
“I am the captain of this august ship,” he said, in a tone that he hoped sounded important. Chirpley had a high voice. But now, his voice was mouse-squeaky, for he was holding his nose. So was his whole crew, and the girls.
The work crew was wearing disposable masks. One of them regarded Chirpley, who remained in wet pants.
“You own this piece of shit?” the workman asked Chirpley. “It’s going to need a lot of cleaning.”
“We’ll wait until you’re done with it,” Chirpley said.
“You’ll clean it now,” a workman told Chirpley. “General Grouchley wants you, and your saucer, off of his ship!”
“Oh!” Chirpley said. “We must have important duties awaiting us.”
“The general just wants you to go!” a workman said.
Meanwhile, back at the ladies’ bathroom, a priest had been called. He was exorcising the bathroom of its two ghosts. Ladies waited with rising anxiety as this holy procedure proceeded.
“Hurry up!” a woman complained.
“I have to go!” another woman said.
The priest paused in his incantations. He assured the ladies that they wouldn’t have to wait long. There was no need to go elsewhere. The priest was a speedy priest. But, if he were to rush, in an unholy way, the ghosts might not be exorcised. So the priest proceeded with due reverence for the divine. And the ladies waited. With rising anxiety.
Chapter Five - The Teleport Threat
Regoob left The Drut. That ship, and its fleet, were now returning to planet Quigley. Emily was piloting Regoob. She was doing so with the purpose of learning to fly it better.
Melinda was aboard Regoob. So was everyone in Regoob’s crew. Samuel, the seagull, had again invited himself aboard. The ghosts, exorcised from the ladies’ bathroom, were aboard Regoob too.
On the saucer’s bridge, teleportation was being discussed.
“People teleport all the time on Star Trek,” Emily said. Chirpley had seen the show.
“We call it ‘Apes in Space’”, he said. Emily scowled at him.
“Who knew an ape - I mean, a human - would invent teleportation?” Gauss asked. Melinda asked what he meant.
“No one in the galaxy can teleport,” Gauss said. “Except, now, Kevin Kleigowski can.” Everyone on the bridge considered this.
“We need to stop him,” Melinda said.
“Yes!” Emily agreed. “He could attack Earth!”
Chirpley saw a chance to be important. Standing straight, though he was still short, he said,
“Men! We must go after King Kleigowski! We must climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, and go where only apes in space have gone before!”
Gauss hastened to a computer.
“I’ll see if I can find the king’s fleet,” he said.
“Maybe we should ask for help from General Grouchley,” Melinda said. Chirpley bristled.
“I’ll be in command of this mission,” he said. “Since it was my idea!”
“General Grouchley didn’t do anything to defeat the king,” Zolna said. “It was our ghosts who scared him off.”
“I found him!” Gauss said. He meant the king’s fleet. Gauss told Emily what direction to fly in. She did so. Chirpley, pleased, began to practice a victory speech.
“I came,” he intoned. “I saw - “
“And I got stuck in the toilet,” a crewman said.
Chapter Six - Neverwhere
Kevin Kleigowski was angry. The panicked retreat of his fleet had put his ships into disarray. The fault was his own. His fleet was crewed by robots. Their purpose was to obey.
Kevin stood on the bridge of his flagship, Teliot. He spoke with his robot admiral, Dolt 0001.
“Take the fleet through a hypergate,” Kevin ordered his admiral. “We’ll reorganize ourselves on its far side.”
“Yes, Sir,” Admiral Dolt answered. Kevin’s fleet was soon flying toward a distant gas giant. There, it would pass through the planet’s hypergate.
Unknown to Kevin, a little saucer, flown by a seven-year-old girl, was hot on his trail.
Kevin’s fleet neared the gas giant. As Regoob closed on the fleet, Gauss told Emily,
“Hurry! They might go anywhere in hyperspace!”
Regoob snaked among the disordered vessels.
“Land on Teliot,” Gauss told Emily. “That’s the king’s flagship.”
Teliot was a big cruiser. Emily zipped above it. She put the small saucer down amid the outbuildings that topped Teliot’s hull.
The cruiser, and its accompanying fleet, passed into the gas giant’s hypergate.
Emily yawned. She was in a flying saucer in hyperspace, atop a galactic cruiser, but she was also a sleepy seven-year-old. Melinda shared her sense of exhaustion. She said so.
“And I need a bath,” Melinda said.
“I don’t need a bath!” Emily said.
“Emily Fortley, we will both take a bath!” Melinda said. The little green men escorted the girls to a bathroom. The area included a laundry room. When the girls were bathing, they found that they weren’t alone.
“Hey! Quit looking!” Emily said, spying the ghosts in their bathroom.
“Shoo!” Melinda scolded.
The ghosts, sniggering, slipped away.
Melinda and Emily bedded down in a bedroom aboard Regoob.
“Good night, Emily,” Melinda said.
“Good night, Melinda,” Emily said. Neither girl could guess what the hour was back on earth. Then both got a rude reminder of where they were. Fartley trumpeted a loud goodnight in the near distance. The girls escaped the ensuing smell by falling asleep.
As for the little green men, they were concluding their day. They soon bedded down in the room with the sleeping girls. The saucer, atop Teliot, was still passing through hyperspace.
“I don’t know where the king is going, but he’s going a long way,” Gauss said.
“He could be going in circles,” a crewman said. “To throw off pursuers.”
“We’ll board Teliot tomorrow,” Zolna said.
“We can’t do that until we’re out of hyperspace,” Gauss said.
“When we are, I’ll lead the way,” Chirpley said. “Hofsted?”
“Yes, Sir?”
“Bring a trumpet. I’ll need you to blow it.”
“Sir?” Hofsted asked.
“Huh?” Zolna asked.
“It will be a great heroic deed to capture King Kleigowski,” Chirpley said. “When we charge him, Hofsted can blow the trumpet.”
“What about all of his robots?” a crewman asked.
“We’ll charge them too,” Chirpley said. “Zolna!”
“Yes?”
“You bring a trumpet too.”
“Maybe we should just bring Fartley along,” someone said.
“Yes!” Chirpley said. “We’ll have loud farts, and loud trumpeting, and then I’ll say ‘Charge!’. Very loudly.”
“After we leave hyperspace,” Gauss said.
With this, the little green men went to sleep.
“Melinda.”
The 10-year-old sat upright. She’d gone to bed wrapped in a dry bath towel, but now she was in her bikini again.
She wasn’t aboard Regoob. She sat in a field of pale mushrooms. These grew suddenly taller, on long stalks. They became a forest of mushrooms. The mushrooms shaded Melinda from the high sun. Through sprouted undergrowth, a path trailed off into the tall mushrooms.
Then an old man appeared. Using a gnarled branch for a cane, he followed the path. He saw Melinda and spoke.
“Melinda.” He said this at a distance. However, Melinda heard it as if he were beside her. She even smelled his breath. It had an odor of onions.
Melinda stood.
Suddenly, the man was before her. His stooped figure was tall and commanding.
“I want you,” he rasped to Melinda.
The blonde frowned. At least, she told herself, she was face-to-face with the person they’d been pursuing. She did not call him king.
“Kevin. You look awful,” Melinda said.
The man scowled.
“I’m done with Kevin,” he said. “Kevin’s attack on Planet Quigley failed. I don’t like failure.”
The man smiled at Melinda.
“Kevin bores me,” he said. “You don’t.” The man took Melinda’s arm. She found herself walking with him, despite not wanting to.
“We’ll rule the universe,” the man told her.
Due to Reddit’s character limit, I can only post part of my book here.
A free copy of “Melinda and the Little Green Men” is at:
http://andrewroller.com
Copyright 2023 by Andrew L. Roller. Melinda and the Little Green Men is a trademark of Andrew L. Roller.

We have done it. The end of another school year! Before we jump into this last set of stories, remember to subscribe to ReddX, home of the best cringe content on YouTube. Promise, swearsies, it’s just a fact and it’s totally science. Go ahead and look it up!
I miss that intro a lot so I figured I’d just write it in. I waited until after graduation to post this because, with ManiBeard at graduation, I figured anything could happen. And it did. And with that, let’s jump into this last set of beardy tales (for this school year). Let’s a-go.

1. “No Place Like Home (Campus)”

I was in a pretty good mood because I found out that district was ticked off at admin for considering moving my Cave to a different room next year and because they keep using my Cave as ‘backup’ for state testing. Evidently, the district was unaware this was happening but after I had complained to Cook about the extent of it she went to the district and, well, I’m keeping my Cave next year right where it is, and testing use will be limited. I won without lifting a finger. Sometimes bureaucracy works. Not often, but it’s beautiful when it does.
Of course, that good mood was not to last…
On this day I had a meeting with all the other Graphic Design teachers at another campus. We will call it Clique High School (because ‘cult’ may or may not be YouTube-friendly).
The first thing you need to know is I have a history with CHS. Remember, all the way back in chapter 1 where I mention I was a substitute teacher at Standard High before they hired me as a teacher? Well, there was one part I left out because it was irrelevant to that story, but it becomes relevant here. It is true I did sub at SHS, but the part I left out was that for half of the 2020-2021 school year (Covid year), I was a long-term sub at another campus and that campus was Clique High School. To say it was a poor experience would be underselling it immensely. You could say that Elon Musk is well off but that doesn’t really express the massive mounds of money that malevolent menace truly had. Likewise, saying I had a poor experience at CHS doesn’t really express the absolutely traumatizing, terrible, troublesome experience that my life there. It got so bad that I would leave work, cry the entire 30-minute drive to SHS, pick up Beatle, and make him drive the rest of the way home because my eyes were sore from crying.
What did I do at CHS? Well, I was a long-term sub in ESL. That’s where I got my start with it. When I walked in at the start of that year I’d never had a high school classroom before, I had no lesson plans, limited access to the curriculum since I was a sub, and I was teaching virtually because Covid…and what did I do? I build a curriculum, bonded with my class, and wrote my own lesson plans (even though subs generally don’t write plans). Basically, I rebuilt their ESL program. I did apply for the job. After all, I was already doing all of the work for substitute pay. I may as well get teacher pay for being a teacher. Right? Wrong.
They did interview me for the job but then proceeded to yank me around for half a semester before finally saying they were going to hire someone else. Who? No idea. But not me. But they wanted me to continue to long-term sub and do what I was doing until they found someone. Honestly, when I didn’t get the job part of me was pissed because of all the work I put in, but part of me was relieved. You see, the culture at CHS isn’t like the culture at SHS. Their principal, whom we will call Mr. D (for reasons that will soon be clear), had been named the district’s principal of the year and his staff completely fawned over him…a staff mostly comprised of women. The male-to-female ratio at CHS was considerably more unbalanced than at SHS. What struck me as odd was that Mr. D did not seem to warrant such admiration. During my interactions with him, I got slimy car salesman vibes more than high school principal. I would come to find out that this went deeper than I knew.
Remember AVIDBeard? Yeah, to her credit she was the one that warned me. Mostly I think she saw a chance to gossip, but nonetheless. I was visiting SHS and telling the English dept. how much I missed subbing for them (they actually liked me at this time…this was long before EnglishBeard even worked there so certainly before that whole thing made me a pariah). They missed me too. Although honestly, they missed having a sub at their becken call. Let’s be real. Anyway, AVIDBeard was all too happy to jump in with gossip.
“Be careful over there Mandy,” AVIDBeard said.
“Why? What do you know?” I asked.
“I had a training over there once and this teacher that works there started freaking out because the instructor, who was also a teacher there, was late. She started to have an anxiety attack and when I asked her what was wrong she said ‘Daddy isn’t going to like this’,” AVIDBeard explained.
“What?!” everyone in the room asked at once.
AVIDBeard nodded, “I know! So I asked her, ‘you call your principal Daddy?’ and she said ‘of course.’.”
I raised an eyebrow. I was skeptical, to say the least. Even then I knew AVIDBeard was not a reliable source. But, on the off chance she was telling the truth I had to know. CHS wasn’t exactly full of friendly teachers. In fact, where everyone at SHS had been welcoming, it had been the very opposite at CHS. They treated me like an outsider they were skeptical of. I had managed to at least have somewhat of a dialogue with the librarian. She helped me to ensure that my ESL students had books in their native languages to read during the pandemic. I went to her one day to ask about scheduling some book pick-ups for the students (this was when teachers were on-campus but students were virtual).
“Hey, can I ask you something?” I asked after we had figured out scheduling.
“Sure, what’s up?” she asked.
“OK, so it’s dumb, but someone told me you guys call Mr. D ‘daddy’. Silly, right?” I said with a laugh.
She just blinked, “Who told you that?”
Her reaction caught me off guard. She wasn’t laughing. My eyes widened, “Um, I don’t remember, it just got mentioned in passing.”
“Don’t ask anyone else that question…just…don’t even mention it,” she said.
I blinked. I wanted out of this conversation, “OK, I won’t. I’ll just forget I ever heard about it.”
She nodded and turned away, “I have work to do. If you need more books let me know.”
I rushed back to my classroom. After that, the librarian was very cold toward me.
To this day I honestly believe that the reason Mr. D didn’t hire me was because I’m too strong-willed and I have a big mouth…neither fits well into a cult-like structure, which it is very obvious CHS is.
At the semester break, they hadn’t yet hired anyone and asked me to stay for the rest of the year as a long-term sub. Basically, they wanted to pay me sub pay for an entire year of teaching. I told them ‘no way’ and I begged the district and Mr. Principal to let me return to subbing at SHS. I didn’t even care that regular sub pay was less than long-term sub pay. I just wanted out…and it turns out it all worked in my favor because obviously Mr. Principal ended up hiring me for the very job that Mr. D rejected me from and I’m very happy where I am now. And I don’t even have to call Mr. Principal ‘daddy’. Gag! Say what you will about Standard High, but I’ll take it over CHS any day.
OK, I know that was a lot of backstory, but I truly need you to understand why I so vehemently loathe everything about CHS and moreover why even being there gives me a mild case of PTSD.
Alright then, where were we? Oh yeah. Meeting for Graphic Design teachers over at CHS. I was not happy about this because I hate being at CHS of course, but I also hated leaving my students with a sub this close to the end of the year. But, alas, there I was. I walked into the familiar, loathsome halls. Daddy was in the main hall greeting his subjects.
“Mandy? What are you doing here?” he asked as he looked me over. I was in full-school spirit mode. SHS staff shirt and matching school spirit Converse I had custom-made.
“Graphic Design meeting,” I said.
“Oh, you teach Graphic Design now?” he asked.
I nodded, “Yeah, I did so great at fixing their ESL program they gave me my true dream job and now I’m relaunching their graphic design program.” OK, so it was a bit of embellishment, but I wanted him to know that his loss was SHS’s gain.
“Shame…we have an ESL position open here at The Clique,” Mr. D said. That’s how he referred to his campus. Imagine if the school’s name was Blue Mountain High and he called it The Mountain. Yeah…cringey.
“Oh yeah? I heard Patty didn’t stay,” I said. Patty was who they hired instead of me. She ended up retiring after one year at ‘The Clique’.
“Yeah, well we hired Emmy to replace Patty and now she is leaving,” Mr. D said.
“Shame…yeah, I’m still at SHS and quite happy. I heard principals were turning to poaching from other high schools so I’ll save you the trouble. I’m not poachable,” I said, wanting to get away from him.
“You could have your old job in your old room,” Mr. D said in a tone that made me very uneasy.
“I have a perfectly lovely Cave. Besides, my husband works at SHS too and I like being on the same campus as the love of my life,” I said, pointedly.
“If you change your mind, let me know. Enjoy your meeting. Welcome back to The Clique,” Mr. D said as I quickly walked away to find the room Graphic Design was meeting in.
Now, this may come as a surprise to you all, but I am NOT a social creature. Truly. Beatle is my best friend and aside from Cali all my other friends are on the ReddX Discord (hence my desire to not get myself banned over there). And I am 150% ok with that. At that moment I wanted to be in my Cave more than anything. The pressure to be ‘on’ and social was beyond exhausting to me, especially this late in the year. But, always the professional, I mustered every bit of perky in me to be lovely to my other-campus counterparts.
This proved to be a challenge. One of them, more of a Karen than a Beard really, would not shut up about how amazing her campus was and how she never had issues with phones because her kids were so well-behaved. She also said she couldn’t post work early because they would have it done before they ever got to class. Oh, and of course she is teaching graphic design because she needed a break from her real job as an engineer. And oh, did she mention she is an engineer? Because she’s an engineer. She also went on and on about how she didn’t like the curriculum at another campus she was at so she complained and got 68 teachers from all over the country to back her up and they changed the whole curriculum to what she wanted. OK, whatever. I wanted to ask if everyone stood up and cheered too.
Another teacher was just insufferable. She kept asking for the same bloody stuff over and over even after being told it wasn’t in the budget. She didn’t know the cost of any of it, just that everything she wanted (think equipment and software licenses) was expensive and our budget is next to nothing right now. She didn’t even make arguments as to why we needed it. She just kept asking for the same stuff in the same way. All of it was stuff we didn’t need and most of us wouldn’t even use.
I contributed my thoughts on what I felt needed to be added to the curriculum, which was met with agreement. I really only had that one suggestion. The rest of the time I let them do their thing, which was woefully unorganized, disjointed, and overall a waste of time I could be grading papers. And so I decided that while they did their thing I would organize my Google Drive. As I was doing this I noticed something. I was still the owner on ALL the ESL files for SHS. Not just the ones I created…ALL OF THEM. If I were to hit delete SHS would literally have to start from scratch organizing their program with new teachers next year. But Ms. Dean did make clear I was to have nothing to do with ESL anymore. If I deleted the folders was that malicious compliance? Or just being a bitch for the sake of it? I still haven’t decided…I find the situation humorous, in not a bit morally ambiguous.
Ultimately, it was decided that 1 day wasn’t enough for our meeting so we would meet again one week later at the same place. I declined. I needed to be on my campus because I did have actual work to do. Grades would be due the day they wanted to meet. I wasn’t the only one. About half of the graphic design teachers agreed to meet again the following week and we would all be meeting again August 1st. So I get to start my school year back at ‘The Clique’. Lovely.
Yeah, this was a very real reminder that for all the beardery at Standard High, it could be SO much worse.

1. “Lunchtime!”

After that long mammoth of a tale that the last story was, here is a short one for you.
This happened the day after my meeting at CHS. Sonia wanted to end the school year with some team building so she asked Ms. Dean if they could have an off-campus team meeting at a nearby restaurant and grab some food. Ms. Dean told them no. Sonia then decided they would just order takeaway and do the same thing on campus. She reserved a conference room and everything.
So the day of the eat and meet came. Beatle had ordered some enchiladas and was looking forward to a hot meal during the workday. CovidBeard didn’t go because she said she wasn’t feeling well and needed to just go home early. I know that comes as a shock. Meanwhile, ManiBeard decided he would sit next to his bff, Beatle. ManiBeard hadn’t ordered any food because ‘the catering menu looked good, but nothing on the regular menu appealed to me’. What ManiBeard did have, however, was a bag of crackers. As Beatle tried to eat his food, ManiBeard both ate his crackers and talked at the same time. It didn’t take long for Beatle to realize that small bits of cracker crumbs were flying at him and his food. He shifted to the side to dodge the airborne particles that threatened to infect his space. It was here that ManiBeard declared he had signed his contract but still wasn’t sure if he would be back next year because he had until July 3rd to pull out of his contract and he really just didn’t want to make a commitment.
After the meeting, everyone went their own way, except ManiBeard, who cornered Beatle in the mudroom. I was in my Cave waiting for him when I got a text ‘SOS, I’ve been cornered! Mudroom!’
I sighed, “Come on Wee One. We have to go save Dad.”
Wee One chuckled, “Oh no.” She followed me faithfully as we headed downstairs.
“Oh, good, you’re here already. We gotta go Love. Wee One has that thing…see ya later ManiBeard!” I said as I grabbed Beatle’s arm as I passed and just kept walking.
The next day Beatle went into Sonia’s room for inclusion and she smiled at him, “Sure you got all the crumbs off?” she teased.
Beatle rolled his eyes, “Right?!”
Sonia nodded, “ManiBeard is why I don’t eat lunch in the workroom anymore. ManiBeard would walk over to me and just stand over me…like right over me…and talk while he ate which would just send food everywhere. One day he was eating some chicken salad and a piece of chicken flew out of his mouth and landed on my arm.”
“Oh bloody hell. That’s disgusting,” Beatle said before vowing not to be near ManiBeard eating ever again.

1. “Little Lies”

Ever since it was announced PastorBeard was the new dept head he had been walking around like a roster puffing out his chest. He had also been going out of his way to talk to Beatle, as if to rub in that he got the dept head job and Beatle didn’t. It was annoying, but I stayed out of it. I even played nice when PastorBeard stopped me in the parking lot one day and asked me about my weekend plans while I was waiting for Beatle.
“What are you plans this weekend, Mandy?” PastorBeard asked as he leaned against the side of my car.
“Oh, nothing major. Weekend chores. Beatle has some school work to get done and he’s going to put some snake repellant in the yard…I’ll probably clean the house and spend some time with my mum,” I said, trying to be pleasant as I could be. What I really wanted to do was to tell him he was a bastard that should never teach, let alone lead a dept.
“You should come to watch me on Sunday. I’m preaching his weekend,” he said with a smile. His tone came off like he intended it to be a flex.
I forced a smiled, “No thanks. Not my thing.”
“God isn’t ‘your thing’?” he asked, leaning towards me a bit.
I took a step back, “Not the same one you believe in.” I started absentmindedly playing with the Flower of Aphrodite pendant I wore around my neck.
“Are you Catholic or something?” he asked.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. People presumed since Beatle was Irish that we were a Catholic family a lot. Instead, I shook my head, “No. Actually, if you must know, I’m Pagan.”
PastorBeard looked taken aback, “Oh…I see.”
“So, while I appreciate the invite…not my thing,” I said again.
“You should come anyway. I’d love to look out on Sunday and see you there. And who knows? If you hear what I have to say you may change your mind about being pagan,” PastorBeard said with a cocky smile.
I looked around hoping Beatle and Wee One were going to be there soon, “I doubt it…anyway…um…I hate to keep you on a Friday.”
“I’m not in a rush. You’re fine,” he said, “Did you hear I’m the new dept head?”
“Yeah. I know,” I said, “Beatle told me. He applied to you know.”
“I know. They need someone that is a strong leader for the job though, someone that can guide the dept the way I guide the church. They can’t pick someone with a weak personality. A man should be able to lead…his church, his work, and of course his wife,” PastorBeard said pointedly.
“Uh huh…a good leader knows when to defer to those wiser than he,” I said as I saw Beatle and Wee One, “Love! Hey!” I waved.
Beatle saw PastorBeard and looked unhappy, “Hi PastorBeard.”
“Have a good weekend you guys. See you later Mandy…think about my offer,” he said as he went and got into his truck that sat on tires far too big for it.
“What was that?” Beatle asked when we got in the car.
I shrugged, “He was either hitting on me or he was just being a pompous arse…or both. Hard to say.”
And we went on our way.
The next work day Beatle walked into the workroom and saw PastorBeard in there talking to Vera (the assistant mentioned in chapter 26.)
“Just do your best to set them up for success,” PastorBeard told Vera as he walked out of the workroom.
Vera sighed.
“Are you ok mate?” Beatle asked her.
Vera shook her head, “We’re almost done. Almost there.”
“What happened?” Beatle asked.
“Well, only 2 of the kids in that group in the hall workspace need my help,” Vera said pointing to a group outside PastorBeard’s room, “The others are kids missing work and PastorBeard kicked them out of the classroom. I’m supposed to watch them and make sure they behave but they already told me they aren’t going to do anything.”
Beatle’s expression went dark, “You’re a SPED assistant. Not a babysitter.”
“I know, but I’ve never seen him actually help anyone. He doesn’t go around the room to help. Just tells them to be quiet and pokes them. I don’t know why he feels the need to touch them. He tells them if they need help they can go to him and he just sits at his desk the whole time…but no one is gonna go to him for help because they don’t like him,” Vera vented.
Beatle sighed, “You know he’s dept head next year, right?”
“Oh, I know. He told me no one else wanted it,” Vera said sadly.
Beatle blinked, “No ma’am. I interviewed for it.”
“That’s just what I heard,” Vera said.
“He lied,” Beatle shook his head.
What PastorBeard didn’t know is that Beatle had something else in the works…we weren’t sure it would pan out at this point (as of this writing we still aren’t), but Beatle wasn’t going to take PastorBeard’s crap lying down…and for that, I was proud of him.

1. “Wrapping It Up”

3.5 days till summer. Grades were due. I sat at my computer to adjust the grade book and turned on some music. Not even kidding, ‘The Final Countdown’ was on the radio (yes, I listen to the radio. Satellite Radio to be precise). It was the perfect music for working on my end-of-year checklist. I felt like I was in a movie and this was my montage music!
We reached the point in the year when all the teachers were just playing movies. For my part, I was letting them watch the Super Mario Movie. I had some happy students. I also wrote Wee One a pass to spend the day in my room. She was done with her work and wanted to help me with some Graphic Design work for next year’s launch (we are launching an on-campus design firm). She asked me which workstation she could work at and I did the worst thing a mum can do to her child. I sat her next to my baby neckbeard. She started working but within 10 minutes she came to my desk.
“Mom…” she started.
I looked at her. “Excuse me?”
She sighed, “I’m sorry…Ms. Mandy?”
“Yes ma’am?” I asked her.
“Can I sit on the other side of the room…it’s less claustrophobic and I have a friend over there…” she trailed off.
I chuckled and leaned in so only she could hear me, “You don’t appreciate sitting next to the baby neckbeard?”
She looked sheepish, “Not really.”
“Can you smell him?” I asked.
She made a disgusted face, “Sort of, yeah.”
“OK, yes, go ahead and move,” I nodded.
In the meantime, Beatle was texting me:
Beatle: Why does ManiBeard always start class with “How are we?” instead of “How are you?”?
Mandy: Because that’s what’s in his programming.
Beatle: LMAO! Point. I will not miss him this summer. You know he said he is only helping with graduation because he didn’t help with either dance. I thought it was mandatory that we do one of the 1 dances.
Mandy: Sigh. 1) yes it is and I bet they got on him and forced him to help with graduation and 2) why the hell would they let him help with graduation? That event is stressful enough without adding ManiBeard to the mix.
Beatle: He said he rather work graduation because it’s his favorite event because he gets to see the kids move on.
Mandy: But he’s a freshman teacher. He doesn’t know many if any, seniors.
Beatle: I know! Oh, CovidBeard is leaving.
Mandy: WHAT?! FOREVER?!
Beatle: I’m watching her class for the rest of the period.
Mandy: Oh, just for today.
Beatle: Yeah. Don’t get too excited.
Mandy: Damn. 3.5 days left. Heaven forbid she stick it out.
Beatle: Right?
And right about the time I was hoping my Beard encounters were over. At least until graduation…it happened. I had to email EnglishBeard. Why? Because I needed one of his students (who happened to be one of my most talented graphic design students) to come to my class the next day during his class. I cringed at having to interact with him. I asked Beatle if I should even bother. “We’re not doing anything, why would he say no?” Beatle asked. “He’s a beard.” I replied. “Fair.” Beatle conceded.
Finally, I took a breath and started to type: “EnglishBeard, if it is alright with you, can Sara come to my class during 5th period tomorrow to do some Graphic Design work? Thanks, Mandy”
2 hours later, he replied, “What work? Why should I send her to an elective? My class is core.”
I sighed, “It’s ok if you are doing something in class. I just thought it would be ok if you are just watching movies.” I replied.
“We are just watching movies, but my class is still a core class and yours is not,” EnglishBeard replied.
“You are correct. However, Sara is going to be in my Graphic 3 class next year and I want to get all my Graphic 3 students together for a meeting before the end of the year and the rest of them are in my 5th period. If you don’t want to send her that is fine,” I replied.
“Ok, that would be fine. I will allow it,” EnglishBeard finally said.
I sighed and wrote a pass to give to Sara.
Meanwhile, in the English 1 meeting, Beatle was dealing with his own Beard.
“And the Beard came back….CovidBeard came back for the meeting,” Beatle texted me.
“WHY?!” I texted back.
“IDK! I’m spraying Lysol when she leaves the room. She’s like ‘I’m sitting here sweating. I have no idea what I have.’ I guess she came back for attention,” Beatle replied.
I sighed as I typed, “Probably.”
Why did all these Beards have to come back? Why couldn’t this be last year when we had the mass exodus of Beards? That was nice. I liked that.
Maybe they would get less beardy over the summer?
Probably not.

1. “Graduation Day”

Have you ever sat through a graduation ceremony? If you have you know how dull they are. Being part of it is even worse. Graduation in Australia was quite different, but when I graduated from college in America Beatle practically had to force me into the cap and gown. It was not something I have ever liked…so the irony that I volunteer every year (except next year when Wee One graduates) is not lost on me. Mostly, I do it because I know it means something to the kids to see their teachers there. That said, I silently curse in my head the entire time while making sure to smile, be peppy, and congratulate even the most ungrateful of students. While I don’t look back on my graduation fondly, some of them might and I want to help provide good memories.
Graduation isn’t just on that day either. The day before we have to participate in graduation practice, which is just as awful, if not worse. I did entertain myself by watching ManiBeard however.
We all gathered in the practice gym to line up and then once everyone was in place we processed into the main gym. The practice gym was so bloody hot that I was sweating. It was so bloody hot that ManiBeard actually took off his cardigan for the first time all year. I have now confirmed he does have arms under it. Bloke never takes off his cardigan/coat…even when the outside temp is 100+ in Fahrenheit. I further observed only to realize that they had, for some reason, put ManiBeard in the same row as 2 of the baby beards I’ve been observing over the course of the year. ManiBeard was as clueless as one might expect and had no idea how to manage the kids and telling them when to stand, when to sit, when to walk, etc. He made it through graduation practice, but I was seriously concerned about the next day. I was also concerned because I saw the gown they set aside for Mani. It was huge! He was going to look like a puppy wearing his owner’s sweater. Let the chaos commence!
And commence it did. Shortly after lunch Beatle texted me “OZZY ISN’T COMING BACK! WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON AROUND HERE?!”
Remember Ozzy? The other Australian on campus? Yeah, evidently he said, “this really isn’t something I foresaw happening. It is something I needed to do. But please, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m excited to leave. I’m not. It’s actually been really hard packing up my things.” Ozzy had been around since the campus opened in 2016. It was a true shock to see him leave and Beatle was very distraught over it. Honestly, so was I.
After school Beatle barrelled into his classroom, “OK, mate, what the hell is going on?”
The conversation was private so I’m not going to detail it, but I will say that circumstances happened so that Ozzy had to go back to Australia. He was not happy about it. He said he thought he would retire from Standard High, but life happens. This was a blow, but we wish him the best.
I found out later that night that ManiBeard managed to out-beard himself. He did the beardiest thing he’d ever done.
“Did you guys meet today in E1?” I asked Beatle.
“Yeah, but it was more social than a meeting,” Beatle replied.
“ManiBeard? Social? How did that go?” I asked.
Beatle chuckled, “ManiBeard wasn’t there.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he miscalculated all his grades and had to redo them,” Beatle said.
I froze as I tried to register what he said. Finally I spoke, “But our gradebook is automated. We don’t calculate anything. We put in the number and bam…grades. How the hell did Mani manage to ‘miscalculate’ grades?”
“No idea, but admin wasn’t happy. They sent in Lana to guide him through it,” Beatle said.
I laughed, “Oh my god! After everything he did to keep Lana out of his room she ended up fixing his gradebook? The irony is too delicious! This has got to be the beardiest thing he has ever done. How the fuck do you miscalculate grades in and automated gradebook?!”
Beatle shrugged, “Talent?”
The next morning (THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL) an email started circulating from teachers that were worried about getting left at the arena we were holding graduation in. They wanted to ensure the bus wouldn’t leave them behind. Beatle and I watched as the emails flooded our inboxes. ManiBeard: “I need a ride too.” EnglishBeard: “Don’t leave me behind!” HistoryBeard: “I look like too much of an escaped inmate to safely hitchhike. Don’t leave me either.” MathBeard:I need the bus to get back to school.”
It was at that point I texted my brother to see if he could pick Beatle and I up after graduation. To be clear, we have to ride the bus over with students so taking our own car wasn’t an option…but riding the BeardBus home did not appeal to either of us. I like getting fodder for stories, but I’m not a complete sadomasochist. My brother agreed and I felt relief wash over me.
Beatle and I ended up combining our classes in my Cave for the last day because we bought breakfast tacos and donuts for the kids and it was easier to combine classes than to try to split the food. So, most of the last day was the kids eating and playing Mario Kart on our Switch. It was pretty fun. I did leave the kids with Beatle at one point so I could go down to Cook’s kitchen and do my department check-out stuff. When I say Cook had a professional kitchen that is not hyperbole. The culinary kitchen at Standard High is anything but standard. We’re talking a state-of-the-art kitchen that any head chef would be in awe of. It’s truly a thing to behold and for high school students? Yeah, it is pretty bloody great. Oh, and the cutting boards…let me tell you about the numerous cutting boards!
…I’m kidding Red! Just kidding!
But yeah, the kitchen is pretty great. Anyway, when I went into said kitchen, MediaBeard was in there doing his check-out as well. When he saw me he smiled and turned to me.
“Mandy, thank you so much for everything you did for me this year. It was a rough year and you had my back. I truly appreciate you, thank you,” he said as he hugged me.
I hugged him back, “Aww, mate…I got ya. Anytime. Next year will be better.”
When I said back in Chapter 1 that MediaBeard was certainly a Beard, but one of the ‘good’ beards, this is what I meant. Yes, he can be a bit…well…beardly. But, the bloke has a good heart. And I am glad he will be back next year. I’m going to try to mentor him now that I’m settled in graphic design. I am also glad he will not be Wee One’s teacher next year. She’s decided to take graphic design 3 and animation 1 which means she will have me as her teacher for 3 out of 8 periods. Come to find out she likes me as her teacher. And I’m pretty hard on her. She said I made her better. I must be doing something right!
Cook has 100% become my work Mum and I adore her. She plans to have a department soiree before school starts and for the first time ever I’m actually looking forward to going to a department function, solely because of Cook. She is amazing.
Finally, as long last, the 2022-2023 school year ended. All the non-senior students left and the seniors arrived.
Beatle and I scarfed our lunch down and headed to the gym… this is where graduation truly begins.
I put my gown on over my work clothes as did Beatle. We sat together and chatted for a bit before he went to his row to help organize kids. I was left sitting alone in my row as the students filed in. And, as I usually do in these situations, I started to observe my surroundings and live a bit in my own head.
I saw some teachers grouped up talking and laughing near me. For a moment I felt that loneliness I felt all through school (until I met Beatle). I had a moment of feeling like that ‘weird blonde kid’ again. I guess it never really goes away. It was a reminder that from the day we met (see SquirrelBeard for that story) Beatle has always been where I fit. Does anyone else ever have a moment of reversion like that? Where even as an adult you remember how it was to be an outcast at 15 or whatever? Maybe it’s just me? Maybe it’s because I work in a high school?
In any case, I snapped out of it and looked around. What caught my eye was a pair of BRIGHT crimson skinny jeans. And the wearer? ManiBeard. OF COURSE! He also had on a plain white t-shirt with the district logo on it that we got free at the start of the year and Van trainers. What was the dress code for this event that admin had explicitly given us the day before? Dress pants and a Polo or button-up for men or a suit for men, a dress or nice pants and shirt for women, dress shoes, and absolutely no jeans, trainers, or t-shirts. Yeah. For Beatle’s part he had on black pants and a black button-up shirt with a tie. He looked good. It was also the first time he got to wear his Master’s hood at a graduation, which was pretty frickin cool too! I had on black pants and a nice shirt. Anyway…ManiBeard…right…so he wore EXACTLY what admin said don’t wear. Cause…ManiBeard. And I was right, his gown made him look like a puppy wearing his owner’s sweater. It would have been cute if it was anyone but Mani. Instead he just looked robotic and lost. And, exactly like I suspected, he didn’t talk to any of the kids. He didn’t even congratulate them. Probably because he teachers 9th graders and didn’t know any of these kids and had no connection to them. Beatle knew a lot of them. These were the kids that he taught his first year as freshmen so he had seen them through all 4 years. It was emotional for him.
It was around this time I turned around and noticed paramedics in the hall. I later found out a student (one of mine actually) had a seizure. I had seen them roll a kid out of the building on an office chair but I didn’t know who under Mr. Principal told me later. As all of this was happening APBeard said they put a sign up sheet on the stage for any teacher that needed to take the bus back to campus after the ceremony. A bunch of teachers headed to the stage. One that looked like a textbook beard said, as he walked past me, “that would be all of us. Like any of us can afford an Uber with what they pay us.” I raised an eyebrow and looked the man over. “That has GOT to be HistoryBeard” I thought to myself. Beatle ran up behind me.
“See that bloke up there…the one at the sign up sheet right now?” Beatle asked me quietly.
“Yeah,” I said.
“That’s HistoryBeard,” he confirmed.
“I knew it! I knew that had to be him. Damn, he is a beard and it’s not even just on the inside,” I said.
Beatle shook his head, “No, he’s one that is beard inside and out.”
I shuttered as Beatle returned to his seat.
About 45 minutes later we boarded the bus and headed to the arena. I hoped everything would be smooth sailing from there, but that would have been WAY too easy.
So, I need to paint a bit of a picture here…have you ever been backstage at an arena? It’s not a huge space…and when you put a couple hundred people back there…it’s a tight fit. We were lucky to have a 2 inch radius around us. Personal space does not exist when you cram everyone back there. And we had to line up in order. Each row had a letter. It seemed everything was fine. My row was in order…but something felt off. That’s when I realized whoever set the signs up doesn’t know the bloody alphabet because instead of A, B, C, D, E, F, G it went A, B, C, D, E, G, F. I was in row F. I realized the error but I also wasn’t about to move anything without telling an AP. So I found an AP that said he had to find another AP and 3 APs later I was told to swap Rows F and G. I helped correct the signed and then we had to shift the rows with VERY little space. It was…something.
It was hot, cramped, and miserable. Beatle told me later some of the kids in his row snuck back into a supply room and were stealing popcorn. It was in the moments of being back stage I remembered why last year I said to myself ‘never again, I’m never doing graduation again’. I’m really not next year cause of Wee One and I’ll probably forget the year after and volunteer again. Cause teacher brain. Anyway, it was finally go time and we walked out, sat down, and the ceremony started. All done? Not quite.
For the sake of wrapping this up I’ll quickly list the crap that happened during the ceremony:

1. Someone in the stands called to a kid ‘you look like ET but we love you anyway!’ to which a graduate yelled back ‘you’re an asshole’. Classy.
2. ManiBeard was clueless and lost. He may as well have not even been there because he was mostly just in the way.
3. The boys decided it was great fun to pretend to fall on stage just before the got to Mr. Principal. This happened 4 times. A 5th pretended he was about to fall then twerked instead. Again, classy. Ladies and gentleman, our future.
4. A boy in the row in front of me turned around and was using his program to sword fight with a boy in my row. I gave them the ‘mom/teacher look’ and they both got a panicked look and said ‘sorry ma’am’ before sitting straight for the rest of the ceremony. Maybe Wee One is right. Maybe I am scary.
5. MediaBeard made the senior video and it was awful. I have a hard time believing he worked ‘in the industry’. Next year I’m going to see if he will let me do some graphic design templates for him. It will be part of my proposal to mentor him.
6. Remember how I mentioned observing several baby neckbeards during bus duty? 3 graduated and 1 baby legbeard did as well. I discovered they were 2 sets of twins. Is there a beard gene? More research is needed but this is good data.

And then graduation was over. Beatle and I checked with Number One and were cleared to leave. Brother picked us up and we headed to dinner (where Brother once again came very close to getting the name BrotherBeard) and summer began.
And that concludes this year of School of Beards. If there is any demand I will be back in the fall because with all the beards returning I am sure to have a new batch of tales. I sincerely want to thank everyone that had come on this journey with me, Red for reading (and being a mate), and Beatle for supporting me and allowing me to share his stories. I mostly want to thank everyone that has listened to Red read these stories because that is the most amazing thing…hearing these stories read and getting his insight. I do appreciate it more than I can say. Keep an eye out for the rest of BowserBeard this summer and maybe a couple of one-offs.
Now, to end this year I decided to try my hand at my first parody song. Apologies if it’s not very good. Like I said, it’s my first one. I hope it doesn’t suck!
“BeardSchool’s Out” (Parody of “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper)
Well, we got no choice
But to hear the noise
Listenin to the beards’ voice
The poor girls and boys
Well, we can't escape ya
Can't find an out
And when they start to shout Education’s in doubt
BeardSchool's out for summer
Beards go into slumber
Beardschool makes us shutter
No more Mani
No more English
No more preacher's judgment, yeah
Well, Mani can’t control his class
And Pastor’s got the Principal And the students pay the price
We can't even think about next year
BeardSchool's out for summer
Beards go into slumber
Beardschool makes us shutter
No more Media
No more Math Emails
No more two-faced Dean
Out for summer
Out 'til fall
Do the beards have to come back at all
Beards go slumber
BeardSchool's out for summer
Watch the Beards lumber
BeardSchool’s out till August