tw: addiction, parental loss
So I made a post about this yesterday but I was still pretty in it and was struggling with the right words. I have my thoughts more in order and even touched base with my other siblings and just double check things. I guess I am just hoping to vent because this all feels wild and if I was not no contact with her already I would be now.
My mom is my dad's second wife as his first wife (I'll call her T) passed away in 1995. My half brothers are from her and I am the only child from my parent's marriage. Well, our dad passed in 2013 and that was the start of shit coming out that I never knew about him like the fact after T's passing he fell into a heavy pill addiction that nearly killed him. He never wanted me to know this since he was deeply ashamed of his addiction. My uncles said fuck that and the day he died it became an open season of family secrets to the point my eldest brother and my sister-in-law took me home early so I wouldn't hear more of it. Tldr; it was super bad and my dad lied a lot to cover his addiction and his likely relapses that to me growing were just weird mood swings.
At the height of his addiction he started "dating" my mom who was his neighbor. My mom always explained the start of their romance (calling it that now makes me feel sick) as her swooping into my dad and brother's lives when it was at the worst. In reality, they were more like fuck buddies and my dad only married her after she left the positive pregnancy test on his porch with a letter saying "You will never see your daughter" after he tried to end things with her. Roughly 2 years to the day of T passing, my parents were shotgun married in a courthouse in plain clothes with me stumbling into existence 3 months later. Shocking to know, it was not a happy marriage and he basically emotionally checked out of his marriage to her my whole life and they stopped sharing a room by the time I was double digits.
I always knew her version of events were likely not real but it just feels like another part of my dad's life was a total lie. He is not around to explain things and while both my brothers always tell me they see me as dad's kid only, I have no idea how they can stand me existing. She even turned our dad on them for years with them only making up again when he was basically at death's door. I know she made the choices she did but how the fuck do you live with the fact you are the reason a family broke down even more? I also just feel guilty for even feeling bad about this because I was not the worst affected.

Important!!!
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POV:VERA

And I thought this couldn't get more complicated. First the kidnaping, then the collar, then they remove it and put me in a better room. Now this "boy" and the paper note. I didn't even know people still used paper.
And why I have to deal with this shit? On the bright side of things, they didn't find my .22 custom made one shot pistol. It saved my ass too many times for me to lose it.
I try to pick up the boy. He is even lighter than I thought. His skin is pale like chalk. I can feel individual ribs.It feels like he has no muscle left. Just skin. I Put him on the bed. I look at his face. He is smilinging his sleep. Why is he smiling? Why is he here?
Now that I think about it, I still don't know what they are planning to do. There weren't any instructions, Just the note I found on the boy. Maybe…
The projector suddenly turns on. I jump at the sudden sound of a hologram feed appearing in the room. There is a video playing. I wish I didn't look
On the video was the boy, in a gigantic room with scalpels, knifes, shovels, laser blasters, police batons, there was a surgical table, what looks like medival times torture machines. All of them were stained in Red crimson blood.
I see a klerket, with a knife in his claws. He is smiling. His smile is very unnerving. Maybe it's because he is a different race. Who knows.
I look down, where the klerket is looking. There were a lot of different shaped and sized chunks of human flesh. To the side I see a familiar silhouette: it's the boy. He is looking into the camera, forcefully smiling. I know it's forcefully because everything else tells me that he is in agonizing pain.
I started to look at the boy's body, to see what causes him this pain. I couldn't realize what was wrong, until I noticed: *** All but one finger, his right foot's toe were cut off.***
I can't believe what I see. This was madness. And the video didn't even start yet. Why the fuck would this klerket do this? Is this some kind of medical experiment? Why on the boy? Will they do this to me?
I press play against my better judgment. I wish I didn't.
The video feed starts. Klerket is revealed to have a rubber ball, similar to those you see in a Pet Shop. After clicking with its talons a few times, presumably to get the poor Boys attention, it throws it on the other side of the room.
The boy gets on his four and crowls to the other side. Each time he stops, the klerket counts backwards from 3. The boy nearly gets the ball back, but stops for a little before giving it to his master. Unfortunately, this was when the count reached zero.
The boy was thrown on the medical table, strapped to it, and gagged by a leather strip between his teeth. The klerket got neer the right foot. Instead of using his shiny sharp knife however, he reached for something out of view of the camera.
What he pulled out was a rusty saw. I hope he was Just moving it, or planned to use it on something else but the boy. I knew he would use it on him. What I didn't know is how loud the boy would cry.
Every time the saw would inch deeper and deeper into the boys Last finger, he would cry with new found desperation, through the leather strap that his teeth are buried in. The saw itself is doing a terrible job at cutting, which seems to add even more pain.
The saw reaches the bone, and the kid starts screaming even harder. I can see the bone itself on the camera, because of a large hole left by the deliberately inefficient tool.
I pause the footage. This is Just the first 5 minutes out of an hour long footage. "What the actual fuck is going on h…?" I throw up on the Floor.

POV:DEN

I wake up. I am surprised that I am not dead. I thought master would kill me. Master did not. I feel different though. More rested? Energized? I never felt this good.
what are you talking abo… Wait yeah, why are we feeling so good?
I open my eyes. Oh no, I am in bed! Master will be angry! Wait, maybe master put me in bed. Why would he put me in bed? Is this reward for me being good pet? I notice there is another, new pet! It is sitting beside me on bed. Maybe I should say someth…
Suddenly, a light out of no where starts shining on the wall opposite of the bed. Wait no, its not a Light, its a!... Mmmmmm, what was it called? Mmmmmm.. Ah, a krohector! Or was it roekter? I don't…
Wait, its showing how I and master played together! The picture is showing me near master, as he is about to throw a ball after he ¢̸µ̵̺̕††̷́ ð̸̗̓£̷̳͘ ̸̻̃å̴̦̋ĺ̶̙l̸ M̸̰̑¥̵̬͂ ̶̼̃£̴̝̔ï̵̮̚ñ̵̺͠g̴̰͋ê̷͉͂r̵̖͐§̵̗̈. Painfull Happy memories.
The picture suddenly starts to move. I see how I start to chase the ball master threw. Back then, the pain FUN room (I have to stop thinking like that of the fun room), was only 5 times a week. Now, because master is more sad, angry, I live there. I hope master got better.
I fail again and get punished for not doing what master wanted. I still hate that moment, because thats when master started using the saw. I hate the saw. It's really Painful. The picture Becomes still again.
My New friend Pet suddenly started throwing up. I freeze. Why did she Just throw up? What happened? Is it ok?
SHE threw up because she thinks that this is disgusting.
"But why? Isn't this normal? It's been like that my whole life. Well, yeah, he got a bit stricter in the Last couple of years,but not by much!"
~~Talk to her. maybe you can learn why she thinks this is so bad. Maybe, for once, you will actually listen to someone other that that master of your.
"That's a good idea! Maybe this Pet is very bad, and master wants me to help it… "
**her*
"Sorry, her, to be a good pet! For once you give me good ideas."
I move closer to her. I say "Hello, are y…

POV:VERA

"you ok? Do you need help?" I suddenly hear behind me. I nearly reach for the gun, when I remember that I am not alone here. The boy from the video woke up.
Vera: HOLY VOID YOU SCARED ME
Den: Are you ok friend?
This is weird. He does not seem distressed, or even confused in this situation. Why?
Vera: I should ask YOU **that. Why are you here? What is - I wave my hand onto the projection - ... This? Who is that son of a shit?
Den: You shouldn't call master that! He is kind and caring! And because I live for free, I help him in return!
Vera: … wh what?
Den: yeah! Our master is great! You Will love him once you see him.
Vera: I am not so….
I remember the note. Now it makes sense. This kid was brainwashed into servitude and forced to feel pain, for amusement. And is force to think that this is normal.
Eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaagh! Fine! Fuck it. Maybe if I get both of us out I could finally cross to sol space and convince them to act. Maybe not. Either way he might be my ticket there. Now how do I convince him?
Vera: Ok, first off, I don't think I told my name. Im Vera.
Den: Hello Pet Vera!
Vera: NO Just.. No Pet. Just Vera, okay?
Den: But we are…
Vera: Humor me please for now, ok?
Den: ok… Nice to meet you Vera, I am pet De..
Vera: AS I Said - I say loud, before lowering my voice again - no pets, got it?
Den: Ok….. My name is Den. Nice to meet you.
Oh, this is going to be so much harder than I thought.
Next

Author's notes:
Well, I finally came back from another break down enough to post this crazy shit for you crazy people (love you all, you are the reason I am still going).
As I said above, please upvote so I can see what the real amount of people reading it, and leave comments on any criticism or anything.
(I would make this one longer, but I am sleep deprived to shit, so you get this. Still, should be decent)

Hello all. I'm so embarrassed to admit this but my Amazon shopping addiction is way out of hand. I have ordered something nearly every day for several months now. Just thinking about it makes me feel horrible. I have bought mainly books and DVDs, along with essentials. I have thought about why I'm like this: I'm lonely, suffer chronic pain with a variety of health problems, and feel as if I've got little to show for my life at the age of 53. I know this sounds silly but I feel as if I can rely on books and DVDs - they will never reject me, and provide a comfort blanket. But I can't keep spending as I'm dependent on disability! I'm reluctant to get rid of my Amazon account entirely as I'm disabled and don't have any transport - it's too useful for essentials and Christmas shopping! Also, I have Audible which I find really useful.
I can't access therapy at the moment, but are there any practical self-help steps I can take? I have read lots of interesting stuff on this sub and elsewhere, but is there a good method of knocking the cravings on the head? I have tried logic and sensible self-talk but all my brain says is, "No logic! Only shopping!" To be honest, my behaviour is scaring me now! TIA!
P.S. I've just checked: I have placed 131 orders on Amazon in the last 3 months. God help me!

As some (maybe unrelated) context, I, 18M, have had what my doctor believes is viral gastroenteritis for nearly 4 weeks now; I've taken Imodium on and off for a bit through that but haven't since around a week and about that time started taking probiotics too
For the past few days, however, I've started having some chest pain mostly in the left side and feeling pressure on my chest as well at times. After not a lot of physical activity I can also feel my heart beating more intensely, and sometimes I've also felt like the rushes of blood moving around if that makes sense, I don't know how to describe that. What alarmed me a bit today too was some pain in my left arm since waking up but that might have been due to posture while sleeping
The thing too is that I don't know if it's just due to anxiety either, I'm a hypochondriac and I don't know if some of my symptoms could just be my brain being nervous and making me feel like something worse than I could have
[Edit here:] I've also basically only been having these symptoms at home (I live alone and worry often about health), which is another reason that made me think it's anxiety
Should also note that since I've had the gastroenteritis I have been eating a mostly bland and not very diverse diet (due to it I don't think I've had a vegetable in nearly a month), so that could be a factor too.
I think I might be able to get an appointment tomorrow with my GP if someone else cancels an appointment, otherwise today my only option would be emergencies at the hospital (they kick you out if it's not life threatening in the netherlands so might be useless)
Thanks in advance for any response, and feel free to ask any questions for more information

Any news on Playstation 5 release? (Or Xbox for that matter) And will it have keyboard and mouse support!?
I played this game for 200 hours after release, but because of my constant moving through countries i just can't bring my PC with me everywhere.
I know there was PS5 testing so i am curious if there is plan to release it on console in near future?!

Some things have drudged up from my past and have been making me feel sick. Currently a mid 20s guy, this stuff happened from ages 12 to 15-16. I am not a troll or anything, just a really messed up person in search of help and trying to get better.
I didn't have the best home life, but not the worst, either. My parents were often verbally abusive and manipulative towards me. They were not super violent towards me, but were towards my older sister which had led me to never really feel safe or like I could talk about a lot of things with them due to how bad they treated her (they were also very mean to me, but again, verbally not physically). I have never been SA'd or anything like that, which makes this even harder for me because then maybe I'd have an excuse/reason as to what I did, but I don't know, it's not really excusable.
I live in the rural midwest with a very conservative Christian family. I never had the sex talk and had discovered everything I know about sex through porn when I was 11 or 12. I was very sexual and horny as a teenager (still am, but I'm working on being healthier in that regard and have made considerable progress). I ended up becoming addicted to porn at a young age and still struggle with it, albeit no where near as bad as it was from the ages of 12-16. I watched all kinds of messed up porn trying to get off (beastiality, extreme pain, etc. Whatever I found while browsing the internet).
I live with some farm animals and had grown up with them all my life. I tend to genuinely love animals and would never want to hurt them or cause them any harm (which is partly why I am so ashamed and sick of what I did). I do not consider myself sexually attracted to animals and never have been.
When I was around 12, I would go out to the barn to masterbate as it was the only place I could do so privately. One day, while masterbating, my dog came up to me and started sniffing my penis, and licked it a few times. I had never thought of acting out the porn I had saw, but when she did that it felt really good. She quit and I left it at that for a little while. She did it again one day and I put my penis inside her mouth, but she didn't like that so I stopped. One day shortly later, while she was on her back, I fingered her vagina out of curiousity. She didn't seem to like it but she also didn't seem to not to, but after a few moments I stopped and felt really bad about it.
I had quit doing anything for a year or two after that with animals. I felt gross about what I did, but I didn't really think much of it other than the occasional shame at the time. One day, I was brushing one of our horses, and when I got towards her rear, I saw her vagina and was curious, so I fingered her. She lifted her tail and didn't move or anything, so I continued for a minute and then stopped because I felt gross about what I was doing. Since this post is getting long, I will make the long story short (and since I imagine none of you want to read anymore about this messed up stuff), I ended up having sex with the horse 5-10 times from the ages of 14-16ish. She was pretty neutral about it but didn't seem to really care one way or another (I feel like I'm trying to justify this by adding these details, but I am not. I just want to make clear that beyond the sexual stuff, I didn't want to hurt them, but only later came to realize that I really did by being sexual with them).
I remember after the last time, I broke down and balled because I felt (and still do) like a monster, which I mean I am, look at what I did, how can you justify any of this? I swore I'd never do it again and that I'd quit watching crazy porn and so much porn. I have not done anything with an animal sexual again since then and I never, ever will. While I still watch porn, it is much less, and much healthier (if porn can be healthy), than it was at that time. I haven't watched anything remotely extreme to that stuff since then (I immediately quit watching the beastiality porn that day as well). That guilt ate me up for a while, but I eventually managed to suppress (or repress, I'm not sure which one) the guilt, shame, and memories of what I did.
It wasn't until a year or two into college that I discovered I had suffered from persistent depressive disorder since I was about 8 years old by a phsycologist, and this diagnoses was confirmed again by my current psychologist. I discovered it for other reasons than this.
I started therapy this year, and I am actually growing comfortable with my therapist and feel like, while slowly, I am making real progress. I go once a week if that is relevant. My diagnoses with PDD was confirmed again by my therapist, but I was also diagnosed with major depressive disorder and possibly some form of PTSD, though the PTSD is not confirmed so I won't say that I suffer from it until I get officially diagnosed.
I actually think my therapist and I are a good match when it comes to my depression and current life problems. My last session was very emotional due to a lot of stuff that has happened in my life in the past year (losing my best friend of over half my life who was like a brother to me because he has severe mental health issues of his own that he refuses to work on, which is part of what led me to seeking therapy, etc.). She even went an extra 20 minutes or so over our time which I really appreciated because I was an emotional mess.
My problem is, I'm worried if I can or should tell her this. It hasn't really crossed my mind for years until yesterday, but now all the shame and guilt has come back to me. I'm worried about having this stuff on an official record, but it would probably be best if I did, because I'm an animal rapist. I'm worried that she will decide that this is too much for her and end seeing me, which I don't want because I am starting to get comfortable enough with her to begin actually opening up and trying to get better and making progress, but I'd also understand why it would be too much and would not blame her if she felt that way and ended therapy with me. I'm also worried about being reported to authorities, but again, I'm conflicted, because what I did was so messed up and I'd deserve whatever punishment I got. My family still has the dog and horse, both still interact with me and don't seem to remember what happened, which makes me feel terrible the past few days remembering all this. My dog is my only friend right now and I love her, but I don't feel like I can ever have animals again or deserve to be around them after what I did.
I know I'm a messed-up monster, but is this something I can or should talk to my therapist about? Or am I better off taking this to my grave? Is there any redemption or forgiveness for me? I don't really feel like there can be, nor do I deserve it, I'm a pretty messed up guy, but this is starting to eat me alive, which I suppose I deserve. Will my therapist have to report me to the Sex Offender Registry or law enforcement? Should I even be concerned with that since I probably should be?
It's not who I am now, but I did these terrible things and deserve the shame and guilt that comes with them I suppose. I'm just a mess right now (I guess I always have been though lol, I mean if you've made it this far, you've read the post). I really felt like I was making serious progress after months and months of consistent and hard work in therapy, but I don't know anymore. How can I continue to make progress with this hanging over my head and being a part of my past?

It’s been 3 days since he blocked me and I feel worse with evey hour passing. The past 2 days I’ve been a masochist by going to his favorite spot near his house and just sitting there, listening to music. It sucks because the spot & his house are only 10 min away from me. It’s the only place in the world where I feel safe, he sits a lot of the times there to unwind or chill.
Why can’t I stop missing this guy who lied nonstop to me, never fought once for me while I crawled back and hurt myself for him and the worst, most probably cheated on me. Whyyyyyy 😭 why can’t I stop going to places we both went to & laughed back in the good days, it’s like I hurt myself on purpose. I’m bawling my eyes out writing this. I can’t stop myself from refreshing his instagram and seeing how he only follows 1 girl, how her profile pic is so sexy and revealing and how he must’ve met her irl and talked to her while we were still in a relationship.
I don’t know how you guys do it but I feel like I’m gonna explode soon. Instead of getting better, I get much worse and one of these days I’ll lose control over myself and ring his door just crying for him or have a mental breakdown in public that’ll get me in issues I don’t know 😭😭

So. I’m 23 and I’m a bit of an introvert. I do relatively well in my job and I have a few good friends. I want to expand my social circle as a lot of my friends have moved abroad and I’ve drifted apart from some as well. And while I made a lot of new friends in uni, I didn’t make as many friends as I wanted as I spent the last 2 years of uni online and I used to work from home for nearly 2 years.
An aunt of mine is going to petition me into a prestigious, hard-to-get-into business club that’s ostensibly for entrepreneurship but in reality a place where you can join several committees and network with different people.
I’m really nervous about making new friends there since I don’t know anyone there. My aunt is more on the sociable side, and she told my mom that I along with everyone have to start somewhere, she will get someone to vouch for me who will introduce me to a bunch of people, but I’m terrified of what comes next and how I’m going to make friends when I literally don’t know anyone inside. I don’t want to complain because a lot of people really want to get inside the club for networking purposes and it’s difficult to get in, but my aunt is able to do it for me easily.
In the past, I’ve attended really elite private all-girls schools and while I made a lot of good friends, a lot of people moved abroad and a lot of people ended up betraying me. (My school was notorious for being academically rigorous and competitive, but it was also known for incessant bullying which made people transfer out or attempt to off themselves). I’ve felt that due to my shy and introverted personality, I’ve ended up investing a lot of time and energy into bad friendships when I could’ve been investing it into actual good people who will be there for me as much as I have been there for them.
So I’m hoping for help on how to make friends in a place where everyone knows each other already, as well as how to ensure I am becoming friends with the right people, and not someone who will end up doing bad stuff to me or to my friends due to their selfish actions.

I just want to say it out loud!
For some reason this is not allowed in offchestph.
I am really having a bad day today and yesterday. And I asked my girlfriend to give me some space for me to breathe.
Now she told me na she will go out for dinner with her friends.
For some reason, i am kinda annoyed with her kasi instead of taking care of me she went out to have dinner.
I know I asked her for some space but i kinda want her near me.
Don’t hate me for my irrationality.

I’ve got a Wakefit mattress and have finally saved enough money to buy a bed for it. Dimensions are 78x48x5 inches. It’s somewhere between a single and a double bed.
My budget is about 7-10k depending on storage, headboard, etc. Where can I find a good quality bed in this price range?
I stay near Indiranagar, even local stores would be good for me.

Hey! I figure this is the only place where I can let everything out and people understand. Warning: It's a lot lol
I've officially been diagnosed with type 2 for less than a year, but I've had symptoms since a teen, which then worsened to the point of seeking help as an adult. As I'm sure most of you know, doctors always tell you to practice sleep hygiene. And that's what they told me for a couple years while in college until I stopped asking for help for a few years because nothing helped. I have a new doctor and I really liked that he took the time to go over all my prior testing and history with symptoms. I got switched from Modafinil to Armodafinil. It took over 2 weeks to get it because the pharmacy filled Modafinil instead and then Armodafinil was backordered. It's been nearly 2 weeks since I've had it filled but I haven't started because I'm still struggling to force myself to go to bed at a reasonable time like the doctor wanted. It doesn't help that I'm a night owl. Aside from this last week, I also cut out most caffeine after 2pm per the doctor. I say most because I sometimes don't realize I'm still slowly drinking the same energy drink during a busy clinic after 2pm.
I've started going to the gym after work with my sister but I'm not getting home until almost 9pm. By the time I shower, eat, and unwind for a bit, it's midnight or 1 am. Even when I can sleep at a reasonable time, waking up is so so hard so the gym is easier after work. I'm also trying to go back to school, but I'm worried I'll quickly burn out due to narcolepsy and possibly undiagnosed ADHD which is its own struggle to get help with. It's only been recent that I've thought a lot more about how much I actually struggled in college and I honestly wonder how I managed to get a bachelor and masters degree. My grades fluctuated a lot in undergrad. Grad School was better for grades but I still had a hard time with the constant fatigue and 3 hour classes. Currently, I like my job but it's been getting harder because people keep quitting (understandably) so we're all picking up the slack. But then I have coworkers not wanting to do anything so myself and other's end up doing more on top of what we're already compensating for. In turn, I've been more tired than usual from work. I don't mind talking to people about how the condition affects me, but the judgment I get when I say if I don't set an alarm I sleep 12 hours. Or sometimes I wake up and feel the need to take a nap an hour later. It's frustrating and with some of my coworkers it's them choosing to not understand what I experience and then acting as if I'm crazy for needing to sleep.
I'm stuck in a cycle of wanting to do better for myself but not being equipped to do so- at least if feels that way. I know I can do more because I was already doing so until my symptoms got worse a few years ago.

And don't just tell me here.
I've been working on a channel for the past couple years, achieving 2,600 subs and getting monetized, but even so, things haven't gone nearly as smoothly as I'd hoped, and doing this on my own, I've felt basically clueless. I've been taking the whole "throw ideas against a wall and see what sticks" approach, but everything I try is a shot in the dark, and so far, nothing's quite sticking. My other problem is that the dumb Shorts I make, which only take an hour or so and are the one thing that has kinda stuck, tend to do far better than the actual quality videos I put full days of work into, which I find incredibly discouraging.
So why not just stick to the daily Shorts? Well for one, they haven't proven to be the most reliable in terms of long-term growth. They started out strong last summer, and were my channel's first major breakthrough, getting 3-5k views each, and sometimes way more. But their performance is all over the place, and they sometimes get literally zero views (forcing me to reupload them later, although I haven't noticed this as much anymore), not to mention the fact that the little sub-genre I've been making Shorts of has fallen off since I started, as I now average only 1-2k views on each. Additionally, instead of them doing better and better with every subsequent success, each time, I'm just hoping to get lucky, which isn't really how channel growth is supposed to go. They were a good source of subscribers too, with the 106 Shorts I've done netting me over 1,000, but again, the pace was steady, at best, and decreased over time. Oh, and they only tend to pull good numbers if I do a single one each day at 6 AM ET, no other times I've tried can compare. While making them has certainly served my channel better than if I hadn't, I don't want my channel to forever be stuck at this trot when changing my strategy could turn that into a gallop.
The other issue with them is that I'm not content with my channel being nothing more than a Shorts factory. No one wants their channel to be known as simply being a meme farm, and I'm no different. Pumping these out hasn't helped me build a community, sustain much of an audience, or let my personality shine through (giving my viewers no sense of who I am, or anything to relate to). If seeing 1,000 views and my sub count go up by 5-10 per day were enough, I wouldn't be complaining, but I know I could do so much more if I wanted to.
What I don't know though is how. When it comes to longer vids, I've hardly gotten anywhere, and nothing I've done has been even remotely worth the effort (with what the Shorts can pull in comparison just being a slap in the face).
What I'm after, and the whole point in making this thread, is a person or place to get real advice and tutelage on how to grow a channel. I'm not just talking about general know-how, like using VidIQ and/or TubeBuddy, understanding CTR and audience retention, or optimizing my branding (SEO, thumbnails, etc.), but rather getting personalized help specifically tailored toward me and my channel, from someone who knows the ins and outs of the platform, and ideally has a significant following of their own to show for it.
Like, there's this one channel I stumbled upon for instance named Robert Benjamin, who makes YouTube growth guides, and while a lot of what he says is accurate, the way he markets his videos can be extremely deceptive, and his demeanor comes off as highly disingenuous. I'm mentioning him as an example because he has a channel mentoring program, which is exactly what I want, but there's no way I'd be willing to pay hundreds to get "help" from a sleazebag like that. So many of these "YouTube/social media gurus" are either idiots, con artists, or both. But when I first made my channel, along with my first vid, I got some pointers from a guy named Blaines, who had a few hundred thousand subs at the time (and has gotten much bigger since), so it's not like what I'm trying to find isn't out there if you know where to look.
I've also explored Fiverr gigs for social media promotion and whatnot, but honestly, those are just as bad as the fake gurus, especially the cheaper ones. While they may "work" a little, they normally use questionable methods to go about it, such as viewbotting, or putting your vids in a social media feed that isn't related to your channel where they aren't likely to get many clicks. Plus you have to constantly be paying for those to power your channel, and they aren't helping you to get anywhere on your own, and that's all I really want-for my channel to be able to grow its own pair of legs it can run with.
So how can I find my footing, how can I find something I can roll with for the long run, and who can show me the way?

Last night my girlfriend (30F) and I (23F) were watching movies. I noticed she was being distant a bit and then out of nowhere she starts hitting and tapping a plastic bottle near my ear, trying to be noisy to irritate me. She even asked me “Am I getting on your nerves?” at first I thought maybe she was being playful so I play along and try to get the bottle from her. Eventually I just left it alone, pretended it didn’t bother me, and I guess she got bored.
Shortly after that, she she sits on the couch with me. I had a blanket on me because I was cold and then out of nowhere she snatched the blanket off of me and put it on to her. I asked her why she did that and that I was cold and tried to get it back from her. When I asked for it back she said no with an attitude, even after I was pleading with her and telling her that I was cold. I then start to get upset and tell her that was uncalled for, even a bit mean and that she could at least share the blanket. She still didn’t let up and kept the blanket. I kept asking for it because I was shocked that out of nowhere she did that and wouldn’t give it back without explanation, just said “because I don’t want to”
We got into an argument about that because I didn’t like that she did that and even after everything I still didn’t get the blanket nor an apology. I stormed into the bedroom still upset and questioning if maybe I was overreacting. I came back out to address the situation because it was something that was still bothering me and then she tells me “It’s just a blanket” as if I WAS overreacting. No matter how much I explained how mean it was that she did that to me she seemed cold and un phased. She even gave me a half ass “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know what else you want me to say” because I kept pressing the issue and I guess she got annoyed. It didn’t seem sincere so I kept trying to discuss how it made me feel and trying to understand why she thought that was okay. She shut down even more, said she was done talking, and insisted we talk about it the following day. Today.
Am I overreacting or was this behavior abusive?

I've come a long way since I started making my own EDM songs, but there's one area in which I'm quite lacking and would love to read an in-depth tutorial - filter automation during buildups. A lot of my favourite EDM tracks - I'll take Avicii's Waiting For Love and Wake Me Up as two extremely well known examples - have buildup sections that are very similar to mine in melody and construction.
However, one thing that really escapes me is how to do a proper washout - what kind of filter to use (HP vs BP), what ranges to use, and whether to use it on the entire master track or on a bus which omits some of the tracks. As the moment, I tend to have a HP filter kick in and sweep from 0 to 100% intensity on the master track during the last 4 bars of a buildup around the time my white noise filter sweep reaches its highest, and while this sounds good, it's nowhere near the kind of absolutely epic washout effect I hear in my favourite songs which to my ear seems to possible be using a band pass with a frequency range which itself widens as the center frequency rises, or something to that effect; and furthermore I feel like rather than the frequencies all coming back in at the moment of drop, some of the big hits instead have the filter open up again a moment before the buildup ends - essentially, it's obviously more complicated than anything I'm doing and I'd love to get a proper handle on it.
Unfortunately, articles about this tend to assume one already knows these fundamentals and thus they'll just have a sentence or two saying "automate a filter during the build up", but alas I need a lot more hand holding at present to get this right 😂
Can anyone point me to a good, in-depth article on what kind of effects are recommended and more importantly, which tracks to use them on and which tracks to omit?
I can't help feeling that my "HP on the master, slowly closing and cutting out the lower frequencies before dropping out in the break before the drop)" technique is the EDM producer's equivalent of learning to play Smoke On The Water using just the low E string rather than the chords, and calling one's self a guitarist 😂

Okay so basically, before meeting my girlfriend, she was on her road to lose weight by herself. She went from 120kg to 85kg right now in a barely 7 months (that's impressive and I'm proud of her INSANE mentality).
But here's the thing : she wants to hit the 70kg (which is clearly acceptable for a girl of his tall : 1m65) but unfortunately she still has remaining skin from her dark ages "obesity".
I'm helping her to do workout to lose that flat skin but I'm not a professional in fitness and those kind of stuff (all I do is looking for workout exercices and mix them into a "program").
Please, anyone with same experiences or even professional advice can help me (and therefore her) to establish a sort of "program" (nutritional and workout) to get a "tone" core ?
I'm well aware that it'll be nearly impossible to get the mannequin body (due basically to the shape of her body) but eliminate this remaining flat stomach skin will help her a lot!
Thanks for reading and have a nice day !

I’m at the Exeter gig tonight and if there’s anyone else going alone or any groups that want to meet for a few drinks near to the venue before let me know here I guess

I haven’t felt emotionally close to my parents for years. I don’t remember when I have. When I moved out I was glad to be away from the stressful feeling of that home. Our relationship improved with distance but we’re not the kind of family that’s close. They’re my parents but that’s it. OR SO I THOUGHT. My mum had a stroke a few weeks ago so I had to visit. I’m glad I did but really struggled being away from my family (husband and children). Like really struggled as in a near meltdown for the entire drive and going on autopilot for the majority of the trip just to get through it. But during the visit I’m told by my dad that they love me as much as I love my kids. Which feels deeply uncomfortable - and definitely outside of my parameters of understanding of the relationship. And now 3 weeks later he’s putting heavy pressure for me to visit again. He seems shocked I’m not focused on maximising time with my mum and also completely doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to be away from my people. It’s a long drive fwiw.
It seems like maybe from their perspective we’re the kind of family that ‘obviously’ loves each other despite not saying it, and who are always there for each other. But that’s not how I’ve grown up understanding it! From my pov we’re not at all emotionally close. Even now I’m not being included in things like the family meeting about my mum’s future discharge.
This is just breaking me emotionally and I don’t know how to handle it. I made my peace with my dysfunctional family years ago. But now it turns out that maybe I’m just a bad daughter and have been for years, because apparently I don’t pick up on social cues even in my own family.
I really don’t know what to think. I realise I do sound like a horrible person. I’m just overwhelmed, it feels like one of the very basic things I understand is being pulled out from under me and I’m trying to navigate a totally different world that I’m entirely uncomfortable with.

Hello, hello! This is Eclogia, from Team BethelFrankel. You may know me as a Calamity Codex player, and the team for its Community Tier List. Today, with the 2nd Anniversary nearly upon us, I present to you the BethelFrankel Beginner Guide… and its follow-up, the Advanced Guide! In these guides, you will find all the information you need to start off your Alchemy Stars journey in 2023 and even more, including how to reroll, who to choose with your selector boxes, highlights of difficult stages, explanations of various modes, Colossus and Cloud Garden tips, as well as a breakdown of the shop packs.
If you have feedback about the guides, you may post it here, or contact a BethelFrankel member (preferably me) via our Discord server.
As for the Tier List update, it’s on its way. The Reddit post is planned to come on the 31st of this month. Actually, you can already check the spreadsheet!

Welcome to the last Monday in May. Just as a head's-up, observant readers will notice some changes to the website in coming month. I'm in the process of opening a brick and mortar FLGS, and rather than build a new website (with all the same inventory) I will be merging the two. The goal is to have the soft opening at the beginning of July, so if you're near or passing through Charlottesville, Virginia, I'd love for you to stop by and check it out. With that out of the way, let's see what's in store for us today, shall we? *Wet Ink Games, the same folks that brought us the recently released The Cess and the Citadel, is funding Never Going Home: The Beginning and the End, a sourcebook for Never Going Home, their game of eldritch horror in the trenches of WWI. *Levi Combs of Planet X Games is raising funds for Chainsaw Wizards, Hecatomb Creeps, and other Ungodly Bastards, a collection of system neutral, villainous NPCs. *Comic Crawl Classics is a hack of Dungeon Crawl Classics designed to emulate the superhero genre. *I've just started a Kickstarter to raise funds for an offset, omnibus edition that combines A Guide the Thieves' Guilds, Filling in the Blanks, and Into the Wild into a single, coherent volume. *HungryClone has released A World of Salt on itch, set in a city where Hell is real, demons exist, and mortals do whatever they need to gain power. *Happy Cthonian has released an all-dice character generator on itch. It looks like a cute little system to create slightly whimsical characters and NPCs. *I've recently started to carry the Trophy series of games, and just now saw there's a supplement set of rules for them: Trophy Golf, available on itch, allows you to add, um, golf to your game. The art that I have seen is strangely compelling! *My Mother's Kitchen is a solo journaling game that funded as part of ZiMo23, and it's now available on itch. *Outliers is a solo journaling game by Sam Leigh that's also up on itch. The player takes on the role of a research assistant trying to do their job under absurd circumstances. *I thought that this looked pretty interesting: True Ruins Procedure is a set of rules for adding randomness to hexcrawl-style games. There's a lot of stuff out there that do similar things, but this PWYW product seems to take it in different directions. *There's a new 5e/BX clone out there: 5B is written to be compatible with 5th edition, but brings the feel of old-school gaming to new-school play. *TLHP Games has released Adventure Games Creation for OSR Games, a guide to building adventures. *Fichte's Rumors of Lost Treasures, by Philip Reed, is now live on Drivethru. *Cthonstone Games has released Between Two Worlds: Essential Enemies Vol. 4, which brings abominations from beyond the stars and between the dimensions in old-school play. *Mausritter is a great hearth-style game, and Kiwi Acres is a new hexcrawl setting written for that system. *I'm seeing a lot of titles coming out for Shadowdark, and now Christopher Wade has released an InDesign template that mimics the Shadowdark layout style. *The team of Markus Linderum and Tony Vasinda has released Down We Go: Infinite, the full version of the Down We Go game. *I'm not linking to all of them, but Necrotic Gnome has just released Foundry VTT versions of most of their official products. *James Spahn and Gallant Knight Games has release The Hero's Journey 2e Zine Collection. *Bloat Games has released Scorched!, a post-apocalyptic game using their Survive This! system that asks the question: what if Luke never left Tatooine. *I've added a number of new titles to the webstore, including the eagerly anticipated Black Sword Hack, a selection of new and used rpgs, and even some dice!
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Please note the use of affiliate links in some of these entries. Affiliate links help me afford to put out this roundup, and take no money away from creators.

So about 7 years ago my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A year few months of radiation and a year of chemo later he was in remission. He was left with numerous symptoms and regular occurring seizures, but for the most part, we had our Dad still. In early March we found out it has come back. I was fine at the start. He’s currently between radiation and chemo (they hit him extra hard with radiation so wanted to break before chemo) he has not yet had scans to show whether or not it did anything. But I’m noticing a decline. He’s barely able to string a sentence together. Usually you can understand what he’s saying (if he didn’t give up halfway through from frustration) as long as he’s pointing or talking about something you brought up. But today we learnt it’s not just that he’s loosing words/associated meaning he also can’t repeat phrases either, like he can’t remember more than a moment at a time. And he had his first fall. It’s so hard watching him struggle, getting frustrated and shutting down, loosing light. I’m loosing myself. Once I left their place I just broke down. I haven’t even started my adult life. I haven’t yet met my person, who I had assumed my Dad would give his opinion on. I haven’t bought my own house, in which Dad and I had agreed he would help me renovate, since he had always worked in the field of construction. I’m no where near married. Where he was to walk me down the eisle, and I haven’t yet had kids (my Mum is not looking forward to grandchildren, but my Dad has always been excited for them). I’m not ready to loose him. I know you never are, but my parents are still my biggest supporters. My Mum my confidant and my nurturing side and my Dad, to boost my confidence, my mood and support me in anything I strive for. I already knew when he relapsed that this was further away from reality, but I never expected such drastic change before he had even started chemo. I’m devastated. I know most of this is selfish, for he’s the one going through it and I’m trying to be the support and mood boost he is for me. But I’m struggling.